What are you writing about now?

david_wendelken said:

What are you all up to?

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Currently still working on my story in the Redbook threads. I have a Lot of motivation for it right now, and some of my others stories are kind of on hold while I work on this one. I also have some surprises planned for Tyelkormo, Glorfindel, Fingon and the others I hope they'll enjoy.

The tale grounds me in the very world of Middle-earth, down in the soil, as one might say. Making myself walk among the people and listening to them talk makes them all so much more real and developed as persons in my mind. It's like walking back home every time I pick up the phone to begin another chapter.

I've replaced about 400 adverbs in volume I so far. The writing is more to the point, I like it better. Sometimes I use a stronger verb, sometimes I just toss the adverb because it's just been stupidly inserted there. I suspect out of habit! So far, I've focused on the adverbs that were used the most often.


The remaining bad boys (by the numbers) are quietly, clearly, deeply, lightly, slowly, longer, nearly, and suddenly. Most of the ones so far have been pretty easy to replace, except for "longer". I set that one aside for later. Most of the remaining adverbs have less that 10 usages apiece. There are, however, a lot of them.

After I finish off the bad boys, I'm just going to go thru the doc from top to bottom and hit each one. It will be an excellent writing improvement exercise.
I'm curious to see how many of the adverbs bite the dust by the time I'm done.
I still have 1820 adverbs remaining.

However, to balance things out, I have about 2/3rds the number of adverbs overall compared to a typical fantasy genre work. Tolkien would also have about 2/3rds the number of adverbs that a typical fantasy genre novel has nowadays. That's not surprising since he helped write the first Oxford English Dictionary, so he knew a lot more words than most writers today.

It's easier for me to replace them than it was for Tolkien, I'm using (a) a word processor and (b) I have electronic search tools to help me find options. So, I'm aiming to cut the number of adverbs (at least!) in half.

Right now, I'm just pecking away at the task as I'm still fatigued from the covid. (Feeling better, though.) 400 adverbs in two (or three?) days is a sluggish pace. I could do it faster if I were in good health.

On a totally different note, I talked over my idea on the tapestry-style illustrations with one of my art teachers, and whilst doing so, figured out how to achieve the look of embroidery with my printmaking techniques. I have a series of them sketched out in words, next step is to turn them into sketches with a pencil!

Ran across these adverb replacement exercises:
Exercise 1

The softly burbling stream wound slowly through the forest, gently lapping at brightly glistening rocks. Kelly waded carefully into the water and sighed contentedly.

Exercise 2

Anxiously, I walked over the slowly swaying footbridge, desperately wrestling with the horribly overpowering nausea that suddenly threatened my hopelessly knotted stomach. My poorly secured backpack flopped rudely with every nervously placed step. My exhalations wheezed inexorably, filling the mysteriously dark air with rapidly swirling spirals of steam.

Soon, an icily cold blanket of clamminess enveloped me in its wildly tight embrace. Twisting tendrils — writhingly probing through the malodorous ether — enfolded me even more tightly and tenaciously than the grotesquely intimate caress of the dampness. They pushed on my chest, hungrily, insistently, forcefully …

I awoke and felt about blindly for my asthma inhaler.

Ran across this FREE conference for writers and signed up for it. It starts 9am EDT on Saturday and runs for 4 days.

Bound to be something useful in all those talks! Plus, it will help keep me awake as I go on safari to hunt adverbs!

https://summit.findyournextreader.com/

FYI, some adverbs are fast and easy to replace. Others do not wish to be dislodged from where they are. Like my cat, they drop their centre-of-gravity to ten feet below ground level, dig their claws in deeply, and refuse to be moved. "Slowly" is being pruned slowly.

I have to say, having the software tell me what I'm doing "by the numbers" has been really helpful in making plain a number of bad writing habits I have. (Most of them have to do with picking a word and lazily using it instead of what I truly mean. This also includes peppering sentences with that word where it serves no purpose or occasionally, makes no actual sense.

I suspect some of you may think I actually enjoy editing given I mention it so often.

Just the opposite! Editing is rarely run, frequently uninteresting and often tedious to do.

What I like is (a) learning how to get better at my writing and (b) creating a well-written story that I'm proud of and that people might enjoy. If they don't, I want it be due to a matter of taste rather than because I did a bad job of writing it.

I still have a book and a half to write in my 3 book series. That's a lot of pages - at least another 500. I'm now putting so much effort into editing what I've already written so I'll have a whole lot less to correct when I finish the draft versions of all 3 books!

Editing Volume II so hard meant I have about half as many problems Volume I. I learned how to do better. My hope is the next batch of writing over the next year will have half that number of problems or less.

As I've been working on the editing for Volume I, I've become less and less happy with its current title. Originally, the title was going to be Cold War in Arthedain. But the focus of the key story turned into a later time period after Arthedain was destroyed, and portions of the book were now tied to Gondor. So, I evolved it to Cold War in Gondor.

But as I've been filling in the gaps to connect the "known facts" together and provide proper character transition, that doesn't quite fit, either. Aaargh!
2 steps forward, 1 step back!

The overall series is a History of one elven person in particular. But Volume 1 has a human Gondorian knight who becomes her champion and companion (but not lover). Volume I is "researched and compiled" by a Gondorian poet/scholar who was the nephew of the Gondorian knight.

I'm leaning towards "Shadow War in Middle-earth" or "Shadow War in Arda". Or somesuch.

Three things. First, the time-sensitive one. The conference I posted about above is pretty good and also free.

Second, about a month back or thereabouts, I realized there apparently were some clues in some of Tolkien's writings that Elladan and Elrohir had taken Elrond's message about the Ring Quest to Galadriel. When I had made my choice of the messenger, Glorfindel and Elrond's two sons were the top three choices. I went with Glorfindel because if he encountered the Nine, he could handle himself. I've tried very hard to avoid contradicting Tolkien's writings (unless the Tolkien's chosen narrator could have been mistaken or ignorant of the full facts). So, what to do? I decided to leave my story as is and add in an brief allusion to Elladan and Elrohir ALSO delivering the message by separate paths. There are several advantages to this. I don't contradict Tolkien's writings, I don't have to rewrite my story to have a different person and personality take on an important role (or just drop that role), it only takes an 8 word addition to my story, and it makes sense to send such an important message by two different paths. We know the Gondorians routinely sent out separate messengers when the message was truly important, why not Elrond?

Third, I've been struggling with how to structure a key chapter early on in Volume I. The most knowledgeable character to tell the story is our heroine, but she is not, not, NOT going to tell people the whole story. Something evil happened that she is deeply ashamed of, that still has that effect on her two thousand years later in Volume II. And she's skilled enough a story teller to hide the episode if she tells it. I want the reader to know something happened, something evil, but not what. Everyone else who was present at these events is long dead when the historian gathering these tales sets to work. I want the reader to know something evil happened, but not exactly what. It's been a quandary.

One solution would be to add yet another elf to the list of captives, but that's not a satisfactory one. I'm already stretching by two elves meeting by chance. I thought about a diary entry from our heroine, but what happened is so vile she would not put it on paper. Ever. The other witnesses to the events didn't actually see her do what shames her, but they did see things that were - unsettling. How do I get a first-hand witness to some of the events in Arnor, have it survive 800 years, and then be findable (or be given) to a Gondorian historian? I **think** I found a solution this morning! I'm going to give it a try over the next few days. I'll keep you posted on progress!

This looks to be a useful website for writers. https://diymfa.com/

"Filtering" is an editing concept I've learned in the last couple of weeks. I hadn't heard of it before.

In writing, filters are unnecessary words that separate the reader from the story’s action. They come between the reader’s experience and the character’s point of view.

Example with filtering:

Mary felt a sinking feeling as she sped across the room to yank aside the curtains. She wondered if her husband would really leave. She saw him throw the suitcase into the car and slam the door. He seemed angry as his gaze met hers. He pointed a finger, dropping his thumb like a gun. Now she knew he would go and not return. She decided to beg and ran outside, sinking to her knees on the cold cement. The car’s tires spun, and she felt the gravel spitting at her as she saw the vehicle careen onto the road.

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Filtering removed:

Mary’s stomach sank as she sped across the room to yank aside the curtains. Would her husband truly go? Bill threw the suitcase into the car and slammed the door. He turned. Her gaze met his, and his eyes narrowed. He pointed a finger, dropping his thumb like a gun. A cold chill enveloped her; he would leave and not return. She ran outside, sinking to her knees on the cold cement. The car’s tires spun, spitting gravel at her as the vehicle careened onto the road.

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It's my next editing focus.

Here's a good write-up on it, from which I drew the examples above: https://www.scribophile.com/academy/an-introduction-to-filtering#::text=Filtering%20definition%20in%20writing,the%20character's%20point%20of%20view.

Is this helpful?

It is, I believe. If I'm not mistaken, this is one example of showing instead of telling. At least, it definitely immersed the reader into the scene more.

This popped into my head this evening. It's still very rough, but it's a start. Think of it as a text translation of a fragment of an epic poem detailing the stand of the last remnants of the Host of Cardolan in 3A 1409. I'm aiming for hints of the underlying poetry in the "original verse" to show through the text translation. I was listening to Christopher Lee's reading of the battle in the 1A when Hurin was captured and taken prisoner by the Morgoth, and got inspired. And, as we all know, poets borrow from one another.

The story is being told in the village which is all that remains of the once great Numenorian port of Lond Daer, on the coast at the mouth of the river Gwathlo. It's likely the first line was a localized adaptation of the classic by the bard telling the tale.

Please let me know what you think of it, whether you think it worth improving, and any suggestions for improvement. Thanks in advance!

PS: Thangon is the sindarin for a shield wall, a close-ordered rank of men, many rows deep. A Dirnaith is a wedge of warriors and is used in a charge to pierce deeply into (and hopefully break) a shield wall.

The host of Angmar cut through the unwary ranks of Cardolan like the Great Wave washed through the port of Lond Daer, breaking all that lay before it and scattering the remnants about in disorder, great and small.

All was lost until Lalfon drew the remnant of the host of Cardolan about him, now formed for battle and thirsting for vengeance.

Foot by foot, they withdrew, leaving the fallen before them, until they came to a great barrow, the tallest in the downs, backed by a deep stream.

There, they tightened the thangon and gave way no more.

Then all the yrch and men of Angmar circled about them and drove their dírnaith into the shield wall, each time repulsed at great loss, but ever the thangon shrank as those lower on the barrow slopes fell.

And then a mighty dírnaith all of trolls battered up the barrow and thrust deep into the thangon.

Once, twice, and thrice, they came until the trolls lay slain amongst the shattered bones of the dead and dismembered Dúnedain.

The yrch wailed in lamentation at the death of their trolls, the deadliest of battle foes to the Dúnedain.

The sun westered into twilight, and the air grew cold.

The tendrils of fog became woven with the steam of breath from beleaguered warriors and foul Angmarim.

The courage of Angmar began to fail, and some fled the field of battle lest they be devoured by the meatgrinder of Lalfon’s thangon.

But the Witch-King came forth in the night and commanded another assault at the thangon of Cardolan, and on they came, dying in great numbers, but ever Lalfon’s warriors fell about him as they resisted.

None were unmanned by the dread presence of the Witch-King; they died in their ranks, unmoving like stones, and their corpses were hacked and maimed for spite.

Then Lalfon stood alone, with his back to the barrow gate, with a half ring of dead and dying yrch about him as the sun sank into night.

The Witch-King’s blade sundered Lalfon’s own and sliced off his head entire, and the death of the Host of Cardolan was complete.

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david_wendelken said:

Please let me know what you think of it, whether you think it worth improving, and any suggestions for improvement. Thanks in advance!

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I’m afraid I won’t be of much help providing technical advice for it, but I will say I love the imagery this excerpt conjures! I read it aloud, and keeping in mind the similarity of Húrin’s last stand, this scene of yours for the remnants of the Host of Cardolan produces a desperate and haunting battle as they fight to the bitter end. The words roll off the tongue well, making it easy to read and yet sounding epic. Well done!

And then a mighty dírnaith all of trolls battered up the barrow and thrust deep into the thangon.

Once, twice, and thrice, they came until the trolls lay slain amongst the shattered bones of the dead and dismembered Dúnedain.

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Just one thing; I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening here, particularly in that first paragraph…

Fingon_Findekáno said:

I’m afraid I won’t be of much help providing technical advice for it, but I will say I love the imagery this excerpt conjures! I read it aloud, and keeping in mind the similarity of Húrin’s last stand, this scene of yours for the remnants of the Host of Cardolan produces a desperate and haunting battle as they fight to the bitter end. The words roll off the tongue well, making it easy to read and yet sounding epic. Well done!


Just one thing; I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening here, particularly in that first paragraph…

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Oh, yes, I forgot to add the word definitions. Thangon is the sindarin for a shield wall, a close-ordered rank of men, many rows deep. A Dirnaith is a wedge of warriors and is used in a charge to pierce deeply into (and hopefully break) a shield wall. I'll go add that note to the post.

david_wendelken said:

This is the basis for the tune for my latest song. It's a traditional Finnish Lullaby, Nuku Nuku Nirmiluntu.
For bonus points, a lullaby tune is appropriate for the story as it's being created/performed by a child in the story, and she's singing a song of mourning to put the souls of two recently slain young men to rest - something that a small Cardolani village next to the Barrow Downs considers an important task.

The music on the Youtube video has this many notes on a line, per line. 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 1 .
I'll need to add a few more I have a pattern of 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 1. So, basically, five extra 8 note lines.

is the Finnish tune.

Here's the draft version. I won't be able to really tell if it scans properly when sung until I'm home from my trip and torture the cats with my singing. I **know** it still needs work. (Feel free to give suggestions!)

Horse hooves clatter in foggy night,
Bear battle’s burden and give fright;
Knight’s page Perrin, loyal in life,
Yielded life’s blood for lady’s life.

O! No more hope of Love’s embraces,
For courage robbed lover’s graces.
No maid greets her love’s returning.
His mother’s life soon o’erturning.

Belovèd Valdûrmir, daughter’s son,
Chased dogs on highland wooded runs.
Hero’s tales, they bring child’s grieving
With a mother’s dreadful tiding.

Young man loves his life’s duty more
Than all his hopes or life adore.
Never sums a skirmish’s cost
To those who love the life he lost.

O!

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On a serious note, does this song scan well and seem to go with the tune?

david_wendelken said:

Please let me know what you think of it, whether you think it worth improving, and any suggestions for improvement. Thanks in advance!

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I also have little to offer in terms of advice on poetry, but I can suggest looking over some our-world poetry for inspiration on imagery or figures of speech. The story sounded good, but some of the power, I think, was lost in vague language I couldn't visualize very well. Maybe that's my own fault, I don't know. But I know if I were writing something like this, I would find real-world examples of similar tales very helpful.

david_wendelken said:

On a serious note, does this song scan well and seem to go with the tune?

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To some extent. The tune itself doesn't seem to last as long as the song does, but the music does appear to fit. It's a more complicated tune for a lullaby than I expected, but eh, different culture, different music.

WatcherWraith said:

To some extent. The tune itself doesn't seem to last as long as the song does, but the music does appear to fit. It's a more complicated tune for a lullaby than I expected, but eh, different culture, different music.

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I'm planning to extend the tune, the existing one is definitely too short for the song. I dug out a couple of instruments I tried to learn to play (and failed), but they are way too out of tune for me to fix. I've had covid and need to wait a few more days before I go to a music store and have them tune them and replace a couple of strings. I found some websites that will turn youtube music into sheet music or an mp3 file. So I hope to be able to play this one, it's simple enough I might be able to manage it. (Or I'll get a friend who can actually do music to do it for me, but I want to try first.)

I've decided the best title I have for volume I (so far!) is The Shadow War in Middle-earth.