There is great encouragement for me in all the responses given above.
I posted this particular event mostly because I think it's good for us to step back from time to time and critically review 'someone else's work.'
I suspect often we get too focused on our own, and a close and intentional review of others' work, both at a general level and a specific one, feeds directly back into our own performance.
I'll share a few of my own thoughts now, reinforcing as David did, these are just my opinions of the work. We'll walk it point by point.
"A mile or so away, the woods yielded to a broad field, yellow and scaly with snow. At one end of it the earth mounted into a wall, and at the other, the nearer, a concrete walkway lay and a few huts huddled in the trees."
The questions:
1. Do you think this is well written?
In general, it's not bad. The author makes an attempt at employing 'unusual descriptive' language, 'yielded', 'scaly', 'mounted', 'lay', 'huddled'.
This is a good thing, and gives us hope. It's far from the 'droll, standard language' we find in many attempts at description. Its use actually drew me forward to see where else the author would take me.
However, it's 'overdone,' with so many 'efforts' packed into so few words it feels 'forced' as one of you shared. Too many commas are used unnecessarily especially in the first sentence. A couple of you have made nice adjustments to the sentence providing better 'flow'.
Also, if one is reading quickly (as I was), an immediate question thunders into the mind. (Or should). ow does all this get seen 'a mile or so away?' The distance is a bit far to actually see this level of detail. Does it make sense?
Well yes, 'in context' it does, but I needed to re-read to figure it out. There was a far better phrase to use in context.
(I didn't give you the context, so this point may be a little unfair. That said, in critical reading, perhaps the question should still come to our minds, especially without the context. Did it occur to anyone other than me?)
In a nutshell then, for me there are some nice aspects to it but it needs a little work.
2. If so Why? If not, why not?
See the comments above.
3. Is there any adjustment you might make to improve it?
Probably very similar to the adjustments others made above. Not considering the helpful improvements needed to clarify from context, I might write it siomething like this for example: (there are many alternative ways.)
"About a mile away the woods yielded to a broad, yellow field patched with snow. At its farther end the earth rose quickly into a wall. At the nearer were a concrete walkway and a few huts huddled in the trees."
4. What do you particularly notice about it useful to your own work (if anything)?
I really can't help but think of
Tolkien's remark about 'laboring over every word.' This to me is a good example of why.
When he spoke of it, his reference wasn't just to 'the individual word' I'm sure...but to its syntax, phrase, clause, sentence and paragraph.
Too close a focus on 'the word' alone can lead to excess, as it does in this case. It puts too much effort into 'not being standard,' so turns out to be 'overly flowery.'
I'm also reminded of many works I've encountered, where things said just do not make sense at face value, as this one wouldn't if the intent were to speak to such a level of detail at 'a mile or so away.'
Here's another example from a work edited a little while back,, just to help make the point. (If I've shared it before, I apologize in advance.)
The setting: a large clearing in the woods with a large, blazing fire in the center so all the people gathered could see the speaker standing in the center near it as well.
Huge trees surround the setting, with little almost hidden
buildings built into their branches where those gathered can stay the night after the meeting. The light from the fire dances off the branches nearest the clearing, and upward toward the tops of the trees.
The event: the participant the author is writing about looks "directly across the (large) clearing and sees a knee and toes of a foot poking out from the door." Being of a very distinguishable species, the participant immediately recognizes the species of the owner of the knee and toes.
Now... with the hidden buildings in the trees, the large clearing, the glare of the fire between the participant and the edge of the forest (to say nothing of the hidden building in the trees), does the scene make any sense? Would it be possible to see a knee-cap and toes poking out of a door in the dark of night within
the shadows of the trees, even without the glare of the fire?
Here's another, then I'll shut up:
The Scene: A fellow is in a large central tent rummaging through stuff to find something. The central tent is surrounded out on the edges of this particular clearing with several individual tents. The fellow sees another fellow ducking into a lady's tent.
The event: He 'leaves the tent' and heads toward the lady's tent. (He feels the other gent has unseemly intentions.)
In the next scene he 'turns back to rummaging among the goods' looking for whatever it was he was looking for.
Is that possible? Not in the least. Not until he 'goes back into the tent.'
A third (and final):
The scene: An
elf, son of the other elf (his father) present, comes to have a serious chat with his dad. They are a little bit 'at odds', and some space separate them there in the forest clearing. (Gotta love clearings..!!) There's a large log present.
His dad tells his son "have a seat." And the son dutifully sits down. They chat.
Three paragraphs of discussion later, "(His son) put his hand on (his father's) shoulder."
Huh? Wait a minute. The son is sitting on the log and there's space between them. The scene is impossible.
So a fix was made.
I could share several more, but refrain. The point: if we're tryting to draw specific scenes and scene sequences, the steps within them must make sense.
This (and more) is Tolkien's 'laboring over every word.' From particular word choice to its fit within the entire work, is an author's domain.
This is the realm you've all chosen to dapple in, and I herald you all for it. It's a massive undertaking... frankly, one too daunting for most to even consider.
(And it's an editor's life work to make sure an author looks good, helping the author fix such things. So, if and as you work, do make sure, if you engage editors, to choose good ones with more than their own pocketbook in mind..!)
THE REALLY GOOD NEWS:
The author of the work in the original post above wrote the sentence in his very first published book, some 43 years ago. He went on to write many, many
books and has had an illustrious career.
Overall, in spite of a few issues within his first work, I'm intrigued to move forward in his career and watch him as he grows.
Sorry for this epistle... just a few thoughts I extracted from reading those two sentences, but I wanted to get them out there for your consideration.
