RP 🎲 O Fëanoriel Runyaril ar i Vérë o i Silmarilli (Of Fëanoriel and the Oath of the 💎Silmarils)

For a while, Maitimo barely heard the conversation between Ancalirë and Amrod. He was vaguely aware that she was trying to lovingly speak some sense into him, but he is lost in his own thoughts and not paying much attention. That Amrod would do this is its own form of betrayal: a betrayal against himself, and even against the rest of the family, and Maitimo's mind reels with despair and anger over it.

Snapping him out of his thoughts, though, is the glint of metal from Ancalirë's sword, and a cry of alarm unconsciously escapes his lips as she poises it against her wrist. "Ancalirë--" he gasps. "Don't do this; don't do what you yourself condemn!"

Fëanor calls out to her sternly too when she takes the Silmaril and threatens to destroy it. "Don't you dare! Do not bring yourself a tragic fate and compound the rest of our sorrows!"

Thankfully, Nerdanel takes the sword and the Silmaril before Ancalirë can do anything really foolish and drastic.

Maitimo runs to her side, putting a hand gently on her arm. "Please don't tell me you're actually considering this, are you?" he whispers. "Or are you just trying to make a point to Amrod? Either way, it scares me, sister... don't do this... after losing so many things, I can't lose you too. Please, if I can manage to find enough will to live after being so despised by our brothers and feeling so alone in the world, you ought to do the same."

He realizes he can't speak to Ancalirë with tenderness and compassion, yet at the same time with truth, without doing the same for Amrod, as much as he doesn't want to. He doesn't want Amrod to think that he utterly despises him and is showing favoritism to Ancalirë.

Coming closer to Amrod's bedside, he looks at him with a mixture of compassion and sorrow, hoping his underlying bitterness isn't showing through. "Brother... I'm sorry for your pain; truly I am. And I had meant to tell you, upon coming back here, that I'm sorry for my harsh words against you earlier. My heart was grieved about many things that had nothing to do with you, and I unjustly took it out on you.

"And yet..." He shakes his head and his eyes well up with tears. "Why could you not accept my forgiveness, which was sincere and gladly given? Do you take me for a liar or a manipulator? And further..." He has the feeling he might regret bringing this up, but he feels it has to be said. "That you have done this, it's not fair to anyone, least of all yourself, but also not to me either! For if I had the choice not to be wounded those three times, I gladly would have chosen it. You had a choice-- to choose pain or well-being-- and you chose pain. Don't you see that wounding yourself does not change the past or ease my sorrows, but rather compounds them?"

He glances back at Ancalirë. "And for the same reason, you also have that choice, Ancalirë, and I hope you make the right one! If you have a choice between suffering and well-being-- a choice which I did not have-- choose peace and healing. Not pain and violence."

Glancing back at Amrod, he finishes, "I love you dearly, my brother. Do not think that I despise you for what you have done either now or in the past. I just want you to understand the truth."

Utterly spent and burdened with sorrows, he falls to his knees.

~~~

"It is not your presence but your actions," Turgon argues. "It is not who you are that is the problem. It's what you've done, and that can be righted. So don't leave; don't run away from these problems!"

He glances at Fingolfin with sort of a defeated look, indicating he has done what he can. "Please, Father, don't let him leave..."

Choose peace and healing. Not pain and violence.

"When hath my fëa e'er been healed from any of this? E'en if I were to be dispossessed of all, ne'er would my sorrows of the past fade. Ne'er would they leave me. Though what hath been done hath indeed been done...I find myself unable to move on from it."

I take a few steps forward, not minding the Silmaril or the sword that I leave behind. I turn back slightly, though not completely, so that they cannot see the tears threatening to fall. Yet when I speak, my voice seems to falter:

"Námárië. I need time alone..."

And with that, I walk away, out of their sight.

Amrod shudders as he lays, feeling he has once again upset Maitimo. It seems impossible to please his older brother. Maybe it's supposed to be that way. So, he knows he's unworthy. So, he knows that he doesn't deserve the love that everyone else does. Even though Maitimo said he forgave him, it doesn't feel like it. It feels like there is still this conflict and lack of peace, and that he will never have the love that everyone else receives so readily from Maitimo.

He lowers his head, his voice dry and weak from holding back so many tears. "I'm sorry...." He doesn't know what else to say. "I didn't mean it that way brother - ! Really, I didn't..! I didn't want to hurt you... again..." He feels so desperate and so desolate. Can't he do anything right? Are all his remarks just rude little comments? Can't he be a good brother?

Nerdanel takes up the Silmaril and the sword and leaves the room, intent upon finding a place to put them and seek her daughter.

~~

"How can you say that?" Findekano questions. "If I were to go back there, emotions unhinged as they ever are right now," His voice grows stern. "I would make such a humiliation of Feanaro that he would not enter our presence again, out of fear." He narrows his eyes. "This is the only way."

Fingolfin comes up behind his sons. "Do not leave, Findekano. You're a coward if you run away from your problems like that."

Amrod sinks back into the bed, his eyes red with tears. So, again... He ruined it. Apparently, his actions hurt Maitimo again. Could he ever be enough for his older brother? He'd tried so hard. Even gone as far as to punish himself, hoping that somehow, he would be free from the immense guilt that hung on him like a millstone. But still, he still ruined it. He began to wonder if Maitimo would ever love him. If anything, that he would ever do would be enough for his eldest brother. 'I'll never be enough for him.' He thought to himself. 'I'll always fall short. I'll always be unworthy.'

And with all those things on his heart and mind, he sat forward in the bed, shuddering. "I'm... sorry..." He mutters. "I didn't mean to hurt you- again..." He struggles to hold back his tears. "I didn't mean to compound... to compound your sorrows - ! I'm sorry...!" He lays back, stricken with desolation and desperation.

Nerdanel leaves the room, taking Ancalire's sword and pendant with her, and hoping to find her daughter.

~~

"That is not so, brother." Fingon counters. "For if I were to return, I would make such a humiliation of Feanaro that he would not step foot into our presence once again," He pauses. "Out of fear. It is my protection and care for you that is why I shall not remain here. I can't. I know that father would find me dishonorable. He would deem my behavior outrageous. I shall spare you such trouble and conflict."

He does question if this is the right choice, but he knows his words ring true. He would indeed do these things, and he knows he would. There is no point going back, when he will only cause more disruption and anger his father more. It's better this way.

Maitimo sighs. It seems to him like the whole point of what he was trying to say went completely over Amrod's head. Amrod doesn't seem to actually grasp the injustice of harming himself, inflicting suffering on himself by choice, when he had the choice not to, and what an insult that is to those who have been harmed against their will. All Amrod can understand is Maitimo's displeasure. He seems to have somehow missed both the truth and the love that Maitimo was trying to communicate.

He falls silent, deciding not to argue the point anymore. Amrod certainly isn't dying or in danger of it, but he is still clearly in no state to understand any sort of reasoning.

Besides, he is weary and exhausted from all the stress and grief of the evening, and doesn't have much left within himself to pour into the bottomless pit of Amrod's insecurity.

"Don't worry about it anymore," he finally says, gently taking Amrod's uninjured hand. "Just rest, and believe me when I say I love you."

~~~

Turgon is shocked and amazed by this... this arrogance that is suddenly coming out of Findekano. He seems to be boasting now about how he could overpower Fëanaro-- which is, frankly, ridiculous. He may be skilled with a sword and fueled by rage, but Fëanaro is far older, stronger, and even more skilled.

"I can't believe you're saying this," he mutters. "This is madness-- you can't overtake him; you'd only anger him even more. And, there's a bigger problem-- you're acting like your emotions are something outside of your control, but don't you realize you command your own thoughts, and you could eventually will your heart into submission if you wanted? But you refuse even to try, and that is utterly and shockingly selfish. I... I once admired and respected you, brother. And now I don't even recognize who I'm talking to. Your hatred for Fëanaro, you've allowed it to consume you and corrupt you."

To Ancalire's surprise, Nerdanel does as she asks, sitting a short distance away.

~~

Amrod isn't sure how to respond to that. Love? Why would he offer love after everything. Clearly, Amrod was failing at being a brother. He was the worst at it. Nothing he said was kind, nothing he did was recognizable as caring. Everything was a mistake. Everything was a flaw. Everything was a fail. He couldn't succeed for Maitimo. He couldn't do anything right. He didn't even know what was right. So, he makes a crazy choice. To ask. There's nothing to lose after all.

"Nelyo," He starts. "What can I do to make it up to you?" His tears are like a curtain. "I'd do anything-- just to give you something that you'd actually care about-- that, that wouldn't upset you! What, what is it?"

Finwe places a gentle hand on Maitimo's shoulder, supporting him. "Remember what I've told you, son..."

~~

At Turgon's words, Fingon's heart shatters. Not even recognize him? Where has he gone wrong? He thought he was pursuing justice, goodness, the higher more perilous journey, wrought with loneliness and sometimes yes, opposition. Had he truly been so blind that he didn't realize it? Had his hatred for Feanor actually driven him defective?

It's his worst fear coming to steal him. That fear of not being enough, of not being good. Of falling short. It all comes crashing down on him inside. Leaving only one question in it's wake.

Who am I?

He nearly sinks to his knees at the weight of that question, so heavy it feels like it will be the end of him. He shuts his eyes, letting a few moments pass before opening them. Maybe it was just a dream. He thought. Maybe it will all be over. But as he opens his eyes and is once more faced with Turgon, that impossible question falls back to punch him in the face. It's all real. It's all so painfully real.

I turn back briefly to face Nerdanel.

"Please....don't seek for me. I've failed to prevent so many things...how am I still worthy of standing before you or Father, or any?"

I turn away again, falling silent.

The words of Amrod unexpectedly pierce Maitimo in the heart. This whole time, Amrod has been obsessed with pleasing him? Maitimo knew he was torn up about his involvement in the first attack, but had somehow thought that was the extent of it. He had never imagined that anybody would ever be so desperate for his approval, because he felt so widely hated after understanding his brothers' true malice.

And it brings him a sense of horrible guilt, firstly for being unaware of it, and second of all for somehow making Amrod feel like he was never good enough. If Maitimo had only known this... well, he's not sure what he would have done differently. He has always treated Amrod with the same kindness with which he treats everybody-- except for the occasional time when he got irritated and snippy, but wasn't that normal and unavoidable? Besides, Amrod is not the only one Maitimo has ever gotten irritated with. And Maitimo doesn't want the pressure, if he doesn't express affection the exact way Amrod wants or if he gets irritated, of having him react so drastically and violently.

Still, perhaps he could have been more cautious if he had known what a fragile thing his brother's heart was.

"Oh, Amrod," he says, struggling to suppress his own tears. "You don't have to do anything. That's the thing about unconditional love-- it's not about how good you are or if you always make the right choices. I know you still feel guilty over our fight, but I was so glad when you repented and I honestly, sincerely do not hold it against you. I never stopped loving you, not even then. After all, you are my brother, and you are logical, clever, resourceful, and have a great mind for details. Perhaps most importantly of all, you have courage and integrity. Anyone could have buckled under the pressure from Amras, especially since he's your twin and the two of you have ever shared a close bond. And you had enough wisdom to realize that he was leading you down the wrong path, and you turned from it, despite the pain of breaking your bond like that, and I can only imagine you must have feared he would come after you next. That... that's amazing! It shows you have more strength of character than all four of them combined."

Leaning in, he embraces him gently, being careful not to touch his wounds.

"Forgive me for not realizing before how lonely this must have made you. How much you must have yearned for closeness with someone again, since you are separated from your twin for the time being. Yet do not hold it against me, because I've been unable to manage much more than my own survival these days. I suppose if there's anything I would ask of you-- it's not for my sake, but for yours-- please accept the forgiveness I offered you long ago. I do not see you as a traitor, so don't see yourself that way either. When joy returns to your heart, it will bring me joy as well."

~~~

Turgon sees a change coming over Findekano. Even though it is surely one of sorrow, that's good; it looks like Turgon's words may be finally getting through to him.

More gently, he adds, "I do not say these things so that you will wallow in guilt, but because I hope you will see this dark path of revenge and bitterness you are headed towards, and turn away from it. That path may look satisfying, but it will only bring you ruin in the end, and I do not wish to see that happen to you."

Amrod can't hold back his sobbing as he feels the arms of his eldest brother close over him with love. It feels unreal. As if he had seen unclearly all along. Is it possible? Maitimo seems sincere. His words seem to come from the heart, and that means that he's really been forgiven. Of course, the twinge of doubt always hangs over him. 'What if he is just lying or faking?' But in the end, he gives it little credibility, due to the fact that Maitimo is indeed his brother, and he wouldn't want to think bad of such a noble and kind relation.

He mutters to Maitimo. "You have no idea how much that means, brother." Returning the hug as much as he can with his very bandaged arms, he tries to show affection. "I'll try to believe it. I'll try to accept it. I just- I just can't believe you love me." His voice is racked with both sadness and excitement at the same time. "Thank you! Thank you so much! You know, I hadn't always, but now I truly do admire you. You are a great person, Nelyo. You've been more of an inspiration to me, than you'll ever know."

And of course, those words of affection immediately bring back a feeling of guilt. 'I hurt him. I hurt that inspiration.' He fights them through outward words. "I'm sorry again for hurting you... So, so brutally sorry..."

~~

Findekano is stricken by these words, unsure what to do now. He had thought this was the right path. It's the only way he chose it. He never was one to choose the wrong, or even anything that he thought could be directed to the wrong. And now this, it was just too much. How did he fix it? The questions fired off in his own head, forcing him to go into overload to process them.

Finally, he comes to the conclusion. Clearly, he'd gone wrong somewhere along the way. Somewhere, he turned off and did the wrong thing. So he thinks back to some time ago, what would he do in this situation? How would he react? How would he act?

"I'm sorry, brother." He finally mutters, after much mulling over in his mind. "I am afraid I am too unstable to merit your admiration. For I have gone wrong, and now," He sighs. "I see it, and I wish to make it right."

~~

Nerdanel almost laughs, hearing her daughter mention she is unworthy.

"Unworthy?" She asks, although still does not believe Feanoriel is being serious. "Unworthy of what? You're a daughter of Feanor, a princess in our House."

"I can't believe you love me."

These words pierce Maitimo to the heart. How has he managed to go so horribly wrong with all his brothers? Could this be why most of them tried to kill him? Did they think for some reason that he never loved them, and even hated them? It doesn't make sense. It's not like he hadn't expressed his affection to them in the past. He often told them verbally he loved them, or spent time with them going on hunts or training together. And of course he spent lots of time playing with each of them when they were small. Was this not enough for them, or was there some other thing he was unknowingly guilty of that caused them to think he didn't care for them?

"Don't disbelieve it, Amrod," he says, his voice broken. "I hope you know I loved you since the day you were born and never stopped."

Instinctively, he wants to press into the issue, and try to figure out if this is somehow a new revelation to Amrod, if he was completely unaware of Maitimo's love before. But given what a hard day this has been so far, and the rough physical and mental shape that Amrod is in, Maitimo doesn't press it any further.

"There is no need to apologize for the past anymore," he adds gently, trying to smile. "In fact, let's look forward, to the future. When you're better, what's something you look forward to doing, perhaps something we could do together?"

~~~

The look in Turgon's eyes softens, and he embraces his brother tightly. He's starting to see his old brother back, and it brings him great relief.

"I hold nothing against you, brother. I'm glad you are making the right choice."

He glances to Fingolfin, deferring all judgment to him. As the younger brother, Turgon has no right to give Findekano a command or a recommendation of what to do next. Personally, Turgon thinks Fingon should at least forgive Fëanor for the things he apologized for, even if they can't be reconciled over the many things Fëanor has not apologized for. And Turgon doesn't think they should be overly close with the House of Fëanaro, either. Just because they can make peace, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be wary of Fëanaro especially. But these are his opinions, and he wonders what Father will say.

Amrod blinks in surprise. "Really?" He seems enthusiastic. "I didn't- I don't- I don't really think I know what to say to that-!"

It comes as a shock to Amrod how Maitimo could love him, or anyone for that matter, after everything that had happened. It would seem impossible, and yet he seems really sincere. It's crazy, Amrod thinks to himself. He had been so sure that Maitimo didn't care about him, that now that he agreed that he had, Amrod couldn't believe it. He begins to wonder if he had imagined the coldness from the beginning, or if it had been real and was now warmer.

"I have no idea what..." He says in response to Nelyo's question. "I've barely even thought about all that."

~~

Nerdanel sighs, laying an arm around her daughter. "You're fine, sweet." She says lovingly. "We've all made mistakes, and mine not the least of them. But we're here now, trying to make them right, doing our best to do good on what bad we've done. Remember love, it is a false contrition that bades that it cannot correct. True remorse seeks to both fix and recreate. It does not settle for words alone, but expresses itself through action."

~~

Fingon smiles at the words of his brother, and gratefully returns the embrace. "Thank you."

Fingolfin walks forward, his eyes narrowed on Findekano. Fingon feels a twinge of fear as he approaches, knowing that his father has always been forceful in his punishments of his son. As his heir, Fingolfin wanted to give him no favoritism, on the contrary, he treated him with even higher standards and ways.

"So, what have you to say for yourself?"

Fingon takes a deep breath, beginning. "Very little. I know I have done wrong against you--"

"Against me?" He pauses. "Indeed. And who else?"

"Maitimo."

"Who else?"

He knows the answer that he ought to give, the one that Fingolfin both expects and desires, but he can't bring himself to do it. Feanor has done so much wrong against them. He does not deserve any mercy from the House of Nolofinwe, and if he is given mercy, he ought not be given any apology.

"I said who else?" Fingolfin presses, but Findekano stays silent.

"Very well. You leave me no choice." And with that, Fingolfin's hand rises up in the air, swiping across his son's face as Fingon yelps both out of shock and fear. The blow was not a harsh one, but was one of discipline.

Fingolfin then faces his son. "This is my judgement. You shall return to the company, and you shall give a great apology in front of all of them, and especially to Feanaro, your uncle, and then you shall accept their apology and maintain that suitable behavior for the remainder of this visit." He narrows his eyes. "If you do not do this, then my son, there will be far harsher punishments than what you have already been dealt."

I sink into the embrace, and for a long time there is a peaceful silence between us.

"Thank you....I know not of what else to say..."

"You... you didn't... know?"

Maitimo's face goes pale and he staggers back. Again, he longs to question Amrod on this more deeply, but he restrains himself. This isn't an appropriate time for it. Still, his mind is reeling-- what has he done to cause Amrod, and quite possibly the rest of his brothers, to make them think he never really loved them?

How cruel do they think I am? he wonders. Or what if they're not wrong... what if I've been blind and selfish this whole time? What if... I deserve their hate?

Struggling to conceal his rising distress, he attempts to smile. "Well, it's okay if you don't know right now, but you need something to look forward to while you're healing, so think about it. It's more important than you might think..."

His voice trails off. He's had so little to look forward to, and even now doesn't feel he has much.

In fact, there is something he now feels he must do after all this is over. Something which fills him with great dread, but he must find out the truth.

~~~

Turgon recoils, shocked and horrified by what he has just seen. "Father..." he mutters hoarsely, inching a little closer to Fingon. But he doesn't involve himself otherwise; as the king of this household, Fingolfin has the right to punish as he sees fit.

Amrod shakes his head once. "Didn't know what?"

He starts to think that maybe this is just some inside emotion with Maitimo, or that he's making a lost reference to something that not even memory serves to recollect. That would be a plausible conclusion, given that Maitimo is staggering back like he's scared. But then suddenly, a new thought enters Amrod's mind.

What if he's backing away because he's scared that I'll hurt him again?

In case that's the situation, he decides to give an apologetic remark. "Sorry, if I'm, frightening you. I really don't mean to... It's just, well, I just have to be honest."

To Maitimo's second comment, he nods. "I'll think about it, then." But really, he has no idea what. He thinks back to what Maitimo used to do with them, before all of this. Swordfighting. Well, that's not happening. He sighs, already having vowed to himself never to hold an unsheathed blade within a league of his brother.

~~

Nerdanel nods, smiling. "We all need that sometimes."

~~

"Is that understood?" Fingolfin narrows on Fingon, who nods slightly, still shaking at the anger of his father towards him, and the fact that he may now have an imprint of Fingolfin's hand upon his face.

"So, you will then apologize? And you will accept their apology?"

Findekano stays silent. He doesn't want to lie, but he doesn't want to do this either.

"Let me make this clear to you..." Fingolfin begins, cutting eyes at his son. "You do it," He narrows his eyes. "Or you will be the one to pay. So now, answer me!"

Fingon breaks, finally deciding that he must do this. "I'll do it." His voice shakes.

"No, no, you're not frightening me," Maitimo says quickly, managing to regain his composure somewhat, and forcing a smile. "Never mind about any of that. And yes, do give it some thought. Perhaps you could show me what you've learned about finding healing herbs in the forest? I am curious what all you've learned lately."

But even as he says these things and manages to look calmer than he did before, his mind is somewhere else. Fëanor may stop him from doing what he intends to do, and perhaps the guards may try as well, but he has to try... he has to know the truth.

~~~

Turgon is silent and avoids both their gazes, his feelings suddenly conflicted. There is no confusion in his heart regarding what the right thing for Fingon to do is, practically, speaking. But seeing his hesitance to do it, and Fingolfin's harshness in making sure the order is carried out, causes his certainty to waver. Something about all this isn't sitting right with him, but he can't exactly figure out what it is.

Amrod nods, glad to have a confirmation that he isn't worrying Maitimo. "Sure. I'd like that." He says, glancing up at Maitimo with pride. It's such an immense gift to have him as a brother. But looking up at Maitimo, he finds himself missing the others, a little. And he looks out gazing, eyes softening with tears.

Finwe steps close to Feanor, giving some privacy to his grandsons. "And son, what is on your mind?" He asks, noticing how quiet Feanor has been.

~~~

Fingon rises from the floor and Fingolfin seizes his wrist, speaking. "Come. Let's go." He says sternly. "You have something to do."

Findekano nods slightly, fully convinced that his father will never have any sympathy or tolerance for anything with him. As they walk, Fingolfin speaks.
"I didn't want to do that to you, and yet, you deserved it. For you cannot feel for a second that your actions were in any way acceptable, and you must see what a disgrace and disappointment you have been upon myself and upon our House. And what a poor leader you have been, and a bad role model for your brother, and so many other things, which you failed by your actions and words."

Fingon listens silently, feeling that his dignity has been mocked by this whole ordeal, and that his father will never have any respect for him.

"What's the matter?" Maitimo asks, noticing Amrod's tears. Of course, that isn't the greatest question to ask because basically everything is the matter this evening.

Meanwhile, Fëanor glances at his sons, making sure they are out of earshot before saying quietly to Finwë, "I just... I can't believe that my own son would do this. It's been shocking and disappointing enough to see the others turn so violent against Nelyo, but that at least I could... this is going to sound terrible, but I can at least understand it. Brothers are going to fight and even develop bitter hatred for each other. But to develop bitter hatred and violence towards one's own self?" He shakes his head in confusion and dismay. "Can you comprehend any of this, Father? What do you think could have made Amrod do such a thing?"

~~~

Turgon silently follows after them, not knowing what to say or do, if he should stay or leave. But soon, they come to Aredhel, who immediately looks alarmed when she sees the looks of varying anger and distress on all their faces, and she can see a reddening bruise on Fingon's cheek.

"What has happened?" she asks anxiously, though she isn't really sure she wants to know.

"Nothing worth worrying about." Amrod says, wiping his face as best he can, a little upset that he wasn't able to hide his emotion. "Really, nothing at all..." But inside, he wonders if he will ever get the chance to see his brother again. He loved them each so much, even the ones that would cheat him in fights or lord their strength over him. And best of all was Amras. Was. Now he wonders if he'll ever share that bond again. And it still bothers him a little, the seemingly poor distribution of judgement. After all, he hurt Nelyo too. What more weight did one time hold than another? They had still nearly killed Nelyo. He thinks he ought to be in the cage, or they should all be free. This half-hearted border of favoritism just doesn't seem right.

Finwe nods knowingly. "Sure... yes.. I understand your difficulty with it all. I suppose it's true that brothers develop anger, grudges, hatred... I understand that. I have not the faintest clue why your son thought that this was the only way out. Except well. just that. He thought it was the only way out... But I don't know enough about this son of yours... Amrod... Does he have a particularly strong moral conscience, or develop deep bonds and prejudices?"

~~~

Findekano glances to see Aredhel, wanting to explain some of this to her in a quick and easy manner, so as not to worry her. He may have even explained the mark on his face. After all, if he was in her position, he would want to know the full story. Everything. But before he has the chance to breathe a word, Fingolfin makes his own explanation.

"Nothing, daughter." He mutters softly. "Only that your brother needed to learn a most important lesson... Something he had previously failed with..."

Now, at those words, Findekano nearly snaps. He wants to burst out in shouting and tell his father the truth. That he isn't being fair, and that all the backhanded insults and disappointing remarks are both rude and just plain wrong. But, he doesn't. He just can't bring himself to do it. The evening has already has already been so bad, and all because of him. If he ruins it again... he'd never find peace.