RP 🎲 O Fëanoriel Runyaril ar i Vérë o i Silmarilli (Of Fëanoriel and the Oath of the 💎Silmarils)

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

Fëanor smiles slightly at his son's admiration and praise, and tells him, "You already share some of these qualities. You and I both love logic and reason, and I expect you will continue to grow in that as you get older."

He can sense that Amrod finds this hypothetical scenario Fëanor has painted to be so horrible and humiliating that he is uncomfortable even talking about it. Again, this is the effect Fëanor has hoped it would have. "You are not offending me in thinking this puzzle through. It is what I have asked you to do. So now I ask you to press more deeply into it: how is your situation any different? You may not have authority over this House and the same responsibilities that I do, but you still are a prince and have some responsibilities. To me, to your studies as a healer, and to your brothers. Can you see how this deed of yours has broken all those responsibilities, as I would have broken my responsibilities if I chose to wallow miserably in prison rather than accept Nelyo's forgiveness? I do not say this to condemn you into endless guilt, but to help you sincerely understand why what you did was wrong, so that you will not do it again."

Fëanor leaves Amrod alone for a few moments to think over this, hearing the knock on the door and the voice of his wife. Opening the door, he nods to both her and Ancalirë. "Come in. Do you fare better now, Fëanoriel?"

He notices that Maitimo is not with them, and frowns slightly. "Did Nelyo not come to find you? I sent him to look for you."

~~~

Maitimo's heart drops, and he turns around slowly. Yet at the same time he's not shocked to hear these words-- just numb, and despairing in the knowledge that his fears were true. If even Nolofinwë acknowledges it, then it's not ridiculous after all for him to believe that he is the one who has ultimately sown all this conflict.

During these brutal and miserable times, two truths, or rather hopes, had kept him grounded. One was that he didn't deserve what the brothers did to him, that it was an unjust, unprovoked attack. The other was that his friendship with the Nolofinwians was good, pure and beneficial, both to him and to them. Now... it seems neither of those things is true, and it's not just his own wildly anxious thoughts telling him that: it's confirmation from Amrod and from Fingolfin.

"I do not deny your words," he says quietly, almost imperceptibly, to Fingolfin. "I did not mean to do any of it, but little does that matter. I'm sorry, Findekano, that I got you involved in my mess and that it has led you down the wrong path. I do not ask for your forgiveness, but only that you find peace again... and it seems the only way that is possible is if it is without me. Namarië."

He turns and flees down the hall before any of them can stop him.

As for where he's going and what he'll do, he has no idea. He knows he ought to be thoughtfully and logically consider how to make this right, and perhaps seek out some advice from someone or at least some comfort. But it all seems so futile. The problem can't be fixed easily... it's deep, deep within himself, and it has caused him to somehow be a hateful brother, and one who corrupted his dearest friend into a path of rebellion and unforgiveness. And he was completely unaware of these flaws till now, too. He must have been so arrogant, so blind to his own faults, thinking himself so good and moral when he was anything but.

Maitimo wanders down the hall until he eventually finds the exit, and finds himself in the gardens outside, where thankfully Indis and her guests seem to have left. Completely drained of strength, his fëa broken by the barrage of sorrows and harsh words, he collapses beside a fountain and closes his eyes, wishing something could erase all these painful realities... even erase his own existence, if that's what it would take.

~~~

Aredhel and Turgon exchange alarmed glances at seeing Maitimo run off, but given how tense things are, they don't volunteer to go after him. His words have made them both nervous for his sake, but they figure it might be better that he has left and this argument between him and their father won't continue.

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

I come towards Fëanor, sitting down beside him.

"Ai, I am better..."

But my face pales at the mention of Nelyo.

"Nay...I have not seen him...should we go to find him?"

 

[Elbereth Vala Varda]

Amrod nods, a little stunned that Feanor finds him to already resemble some of these legendary characteristics which he is pointing out. "Really?" He asks incredulously. "Of course I love logic, but... does that really make me like you, father?" His eyes light up. For all his flaws, Feanor was a perfect father. Well, not perfect, because there were flaws... But just this once, Amrod would let it slip. He'd rather not bring up any shortcomings. "You're perfect."

He sinks back into his bed, still sitting up but just a little further back. How was it different? Well, for one, he was actually guilty. But then again, so would've Feanaro been... He'd rather not dwell on that thought. Moving on. Secondly, he was younger, and not a king, a father, or... 'But I am still a brother and a student, and a son...' He thinks to himself. 'I am still responsible for doing things and caring for others.' No matter how many times he would slice the situation, weighing whatever aspect of it, it always seemed to add up the same, and he hated that. He would run the whole scenario, like an equation, picking out every part of it and trying so hard to find some justifying factor. But in the end, he just, couldn't. He turns to Feanor, a slight sadness and disappointment in his eyes. "I guess you're right... Mine is, well it's, no different."

Nerdanel smiles, throwing her arms around Feanor. "How are you, love?" Her voice softens to a whisper. "And who is he?"

But at the mention of Nelyo, she shakes her head. "Mm, no... I didn't see him. How long ago was it that he went?"

~~~

Findekano turns, looking at his father, stunned at the situation. What just happened? Did he just see his father scream and condemn both himself and his cousin? Was he really watching his closest friend storm out of the room, and, not following? He takes a few steps back, slowly trying to gain some composure, and leans against the wall, his eyes closing as he mutters faintly, almost like a question bursting forth from himself. "What am I doing?" He pinches a crease in his forehead, thinking. 'I've done so much wrong... and it's not even like me.' He thinks silently. 'And look at all the trouble I've caused, to everyone... and everything.' He sighs. 'I have to make this right.' This bit of internal monologue seems quite useless, but it is truthfully the opposite. After running around mindlessly in anger and contempt for Feanaro, he realizes that this anger is causing him to be unpleasant to everyone, including Maitimo. He stares out at the same area where Maitimo had moments before left. "What am I to do...?" He mutters, feeling guilt, yes, but above all, duty. He must do something.

So, he decides to go after Maitimo, and finds himself running through the halls as one gone mad, calling the name of his closest friend, hoping for an answer.

 

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

Fëanor chuckles slightly. "Oh, I'm not perfect, son, far from it. But I'm honored that you would think of me as such, and yet I hope you do not truly entertain such a thought, or else you might think it impossible to do what I have taught you. And you do share many of my traits, but in your own unique way."

And he gives a small nod when Amrod finally admits that the situations are analogous. This, perhaps, is the best Fëanor can expect for the time being.

He embraces his wife in return, but, his frown deepens when they say they have not seen Nelyo. "Perhaps I should not have sent him off alone," he says, half to himself. "I will go look for him, then. Nerdanel, perhaps you should stay here with Amrod. And Fëanoriel, which is your preference? To go with me and look for Nelyo, or to stay with Amrod and your mother?"

~~~

In a way, it brings Turgon some hope to see Fingon going after Maitimo. That, at least, seems more like his old self.

"Father," he says, "if I may speak, I think it is good that Findekano should go after Maitimo. It could be good for them both."

With a little more boldness, he continues, "Rarely do I ever disagree with you, and forgive me, but I think you were too harsh with them both. Findekano acted wrongly tonight, but that does not mean he has earned our hate. And why would you blame Maitimo for any of this? He's suffered enough, and none of this was his fault."

Aredhel watches this in tense silence, hoping Turgon has not taken things too far now. But at the same time, somebody needs to say these things, so she stands a little closer to her brother, supporting him.

~~~

Maitimo lingers near the fountain, shivering against the cold stone and evening breeze, but not finding the strength to get away from it. The crushing despair he faces now is arguably equal to, if not worse than, the sorrow from the day he was shot. Even then he'd had some belief that he was innocent and all this had unjustly happened, but the belief that he did deserve the wrath of his brothers after all, and had even caused it, and thus indirectly caused everything else, brings him anguish.

Is this enough to put him in danger of fading again? He vaguely wonders about it, but scarcely cares. Perhaps the only thing that causes him to continue fighting and resisting a little is the words of Irmo, back when Irmo had said that if he faded, Ancalirë would along with him.

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

My gaze hardens.

"I desire to go with you, Ada. Let me come with you..."

I glance up at him apprehensively.

"I fear something could be wrong with Nelyo...it has been a while since he was last seen...."

 

[Elbereth Vala Varda]

Amrod gives a reluctant nod, a little upset that his father saw straight through his design. After all, if father was perfect, there was no need to try and achieve that kind of accepting forgiveness that he had aforementioned. It would be impossible. But father knew that, and apparently wasn't afraid to expose it. "I appreciate that, father. But you are much more mature than I am, of course... I will never be as great as you in any of those things." There it was. Another attempt at getting out of this. "You are much older, and much wiser."

Nerdanel smiles, casting an arm around Feanorie. "She will stay with me." She hears Feanoriel's own wishes but doesn't want her out of her sight. It's better that her daughter stays with her, and that she can keep a watchful eye on both Amrod and Feanoriel, as they were both acting strange. She leans over to Feanoriel, her voice sweet and gentle as ever, despite that she was disagreeing with her daughter. "You will stay here with me, understood?"

~~~

Fingolfin stands silent, pondering. Wondering to himself so many things. Namely, what he should do to punish Findekano for all of this. And Turgon's words stir him out of his thoughts not so pleasantly.

"Too harsh? Really?" He stammers. "Findekano is my son. He ought to behave better than anyone else. He ought never to let his temper go, and to always keep his tongue. He ought to be always kind and forgiving, endlessly giving of himself and his things and his time. Anything less, I deem a failure. And I am gentle, usually, in conditioning him. Because I love him. And yet, he has taken it too far this night. And mark me, he deserved far worse than a slap on the cheek, and I shall deal with him further when next I see him."

About Maitimo, Turgon's words spark him to ponder. "Perhaps I came a little too strongly with Maitimo. I said what was first on my mind, and then brought it to my heart and to my lips. But if indeed, he had not come here then this never would have happened, and Findekano would not have had these ridiculous ideas of defying my judgement. I do not take too kindly to disobedience, you may remember. I think whatever I said was worthy of being said, and you are rather far-fetched in your own esteem if you deem it is not so."

~~~

"Maitimo-!" Findekano cries, rushing through the House, although it is too large for him to even remember where he has looked and hasn't. "Maitimo!" His voice weakens a little. "Please come back! I'm- I'm terribly sorry." He runs further, his emotion fueling his strength in a way he had not known was possible to be done. "If you can hear me, at least respond!"

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

I glance towards Nerdanel, my gaze turning to one of sorrow before my gaze averts to Fëanáro.

"I..."

Yet I have no words to say, and my voice trails off. I simply await for a response from Fëanor....that perhaps he could stand on my side. Yet if he were to agree with Nerdanel....I cannot deny both of them together.​

 

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

Fëanor can sense some reluctance on Amrod's part to accept his full responsibility for these things, and tells him, "You may not be as mature as me, but you must learn maturity at some point. There is no reason why you cannot do what I am asking you to do."

And when Nerdanel defies Fëanoriel's wish, Fëanor frowns slightly. "I see no reason why she should not be allowed to accompany me, my love. Nelyo could be in distress, and the two of them are close, so she may be able to help. Besides, do you not trust me to watch over her and take care of her?"

~~~

Turgon shakes his head and is silent for a long while, trying to decide if he should keep his tongue and be more respectful to Father, or if he should continue to argue. What right does he to question his own father? None, really, except that he doesn't like what he's seeing, and it even frightens him. This standard that Fingolfin seems to have set for Fingon feels... well, impossible. Turgon is generally very even-tempered, and he's not sure he can expect himself to be perfectly selfless and forgiving at all times.

Father may punish him, but for the sake of Fingon and even himself and Aredhel and Argon, he decides he must address this more deeply.

"Father," he says, hoping he sounds more confident than he feels, "I do not feel I could meet that standard myself, and I'm not even as passionate in personality as Findekano is. I think your expectations of him are unfair, for what you demand is nothing less than perfection. And who can meet that? Is there such thing as a perfect son? That's a burden that will cause him to hate himself, eventually, if you keep going down this path. I'm not saying you shouldn't have standards of behavior that you expect from him and all of us, and I certainly understand that it is fair for him to be punished for what he said, but..."

Here, his eyes well up with tears, a very rare thing for him.

"If you continue to treat him this way, I fear it will shatter him."

He continues about the points regarding Maitimo: "Well, yes, you are right that Maitimo coming here was the inciting event that sparked all this conflict. But he did not spark the conflict himself, you see. He was running for his life. His own family had wounded him multiple times, trying to kill him. He must have felt like we were the only friends he had, and that may have been true. What else was he supposed to do? He cannot be blamed for our conflicts, either. It's not his fault that you and Findekano have had different ideas on how to handle this whole thing."

Aredhel nods, feeling as though that if Turgon has the courage to speak up on this, she should as well. "I agree with everything that Turukano says, Father."

~~~

As Maitimo listens to the gurgling sound of the water for a while, he grows pale and very still, and his thoughts begin to quiet. Not that they are happily resolved or even calmed, but there is at least a more peaceful silence in his mind. Again, his thoughts drift vaguely towards the Halls of Mandos. What would that really be like? Probably lonely, he imagines, and maybe boring for all eternity, but perhaps it would be restful at the same time. And he's already lonely here, so why not exchange the chaos and violence of this life for the possible rest and peace of the next one? Since he has apparently been the root cause of all this terrible strife and discord, it would be better for everyone if he were gone.

He hears some footsteps coming near, but doesn't even care to glance up and see who it is.

 

[Elbereth Vala Varda]

Amrod frowns. Well, there's no loophole in that. "Alright, father..." He finally says a bit reluctantly. "You're right. I'll-I'll accept Maitimo's forgiveness." That still doesn't mean that I need to forgive myself. He thinks quietly, hoping his father won't pry anymore.

Nerdanel sighs. "Oh, alright... If it must be so. It's not that I don't trust you, I'm just worried about her. But you raise a good point. If Nelyo is in distress, we may need her, and anyone. Is there any benefit in going myself?" She secretly hopes to a certain degree that he says yes. After spending so much time with Feanoriel and Amrod, she's hoping for a moment with her husband, to finally let out all her emotions on all of this and read his heart for sadness too. "I'm sure Amrod would be fine." She adds, eyeing her son.

~~~

Fingolfin turns to Turgon, not wanting to become angered towards him, but hoping that he can gently lead his son back to the truth. "Of course, I want perfection." He states. "My sons, most particularly my heir, must be better than I ever have been. This is how fathers are to act to their children. To set a standard high, very high... Believe me when I say that this is best for him. I have weighed all the circumstances, and this is what he needs. At times, a gentle hand is enough. But at other times, children must be punished." He narrows his eyes just a little. "And to mark, Findekano did not only disobey me, but he also deliberately and publicly defied the very orders that I had told him he was to safeguard and keep. Not only did he speak to the Feanorians with contempt, but he also utterly humiliated my brother--half-brother." He corrects himself, almost as if Feanor was standing there, giving him a darkling glare as he used to once. "I assure you, I am doing what is right."

As Turgon is moved to tears, he looks with some shock and pity. "My son... what has come over you?"

"You may be right about Maitimo." He says with a sigh, never being too prideful to admit that he was wrong when he had seen it. "I should apologize to him. Forgive me, in my frustration things went too far, and I was not thinking clearly. I shouldn't have blamed such a thing on him. He is innocent, and even if he were not, I should treat him with forgiveness and respect all the same. I must not hold a grudge." He says these things almost like a quiet reminder to himself, to not go too far again, and as a mental note of how he should apologize to his nephew.

~~~

Findekano draws near to the garden. It's the last place he can think of to look but should have been one of the first ones to come in mind. Maitimo was always so intent upon venturing in forests and into peaceful places in the wild. And indeed, to his great relief, as he enters the garden he can see Maitimo. He looks distraught, utterly spent in every way, and Fingon feels that twinge of guilt burn in his heart again. But unable to wallow in it anymore, and aware that his guilt is useless if not directed to a purpose, he sits down beside Maitimo, making the move. "Brother..." He whispers, his voice coming out thin and breathless from the running that had spent his air. "Brother, are you okay? I'm so sorry." It felt good to be here. It felt necessary. Like this was something he needed to do, and now he was finally here.

 

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

Fëanor nods in agreement with Nerdanel. "I think there would be great benefit in you coming with us. You have always had a way with Nelyo that I have never fully managed."

Turning to Finwë, he says, "Father, do you mind staying with Amrod for a little while as we look for Maitimo?" There is no one he trusts more with his children, after all, than his father.

~~~

"But that... that's just about impossible!" Turgon cries. "No one can bear that kind of a burden. Does Finwë expect you to be better and greater than he is, Father, or does he love you the way you are? Don't misunderstand me; I am not at all defending Findekano's behavior, or even trying to downplay it, but I believe you have made him feel that he will never please you, and there is no way he ever can."

He adds, with rising emotion, "What do you mean, what has come over me? Look at what all has taken place this evening, and I am worried for my brother, and for Maitimo, and Amrod, and all of us, frankly."

Turgon is at least glad that Fingolfin is repentant on the issue of Maitimo, but he fears for what his attitude about standards of perfection means for all of them.

~~~

Maitimo glances over at Findekano, somewhat surprised that he came out here, after him, but it seems like that will do little good. He makes no other movement, still collapsed against the stone.

"Don't be sorry..." he mutters, his voice faint and broken. "Your father was right... all this was... my doing..."

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

I smile at Fëanáro, standing up and walking beside him, taking his hand. I turn to Nerdanel also, giving her a smile as well.

"Let us go together then, the three of us, and find him."

 

[Elbereth Vala Varda]

Nerdanel smiles, gratitude brimming in her eyes. "Thank you, love." She says softly, taking Feanor's hand. "I certainly hope that wherever Nelyo is, we will be able to help him. He may need it..." Her thoughts drift a little, and she wonders what would have led Maitimo to disobey Feanor's command. "Love, why do you think he disobeyed you?"

Finwe nods. "With gladness I will attend to your children." He states with a smile. "And Amrod, I am sure that you would not object to my being here and staying with you, to keep you company, correct?" He wants to engage the young Elda as much as he can.

Amrod blinks. "Who... me?" He shrugs, trying to run through whatever Finwe had said as Nerdanel eyes him with a vigilant 'you know what to do' sort of look. "I mean, yes. Of course, grandfather. You can stay with me as long as you'd like."

~~~

Fingolfin is about to argue, but at the mention of Finwe, he falls silent. It was a subject close to his heart. Too close. He wasn't ready to be vulnerable yet, and certainly not right now. He closes his eyes, feeling a wave of sadness pass over him. "That's quite enough, Turgon." He says, staying his son's words. "Findekano will get what he deserves, and he will live up to whatever standards I have set for him, hmm? You trust me to be a good father. That must be enough for you."

And seeing Turgon's emotions seeming to present themselves, he casts a gentle arm around his son. "Turgon... what all is coming over you? Are you alright? This is more than just caution about this evening's events, is it not?" He worries for his son, seeing one who was generally not emotionally moved by anything almost on the verge of tears. "Come here, my children," He adds softly. "Tell me what troubles you."

~~~

Fingon shakes his head, realizing that Maitimo believed every bit of it. He can't say he blames him, since he has already taken to heart all that his father said about him, including being a dissonance between the two Houses, a very painful thing to say, and even more painful to hear. He starts to wonder why he even came out here. After all, Maitimo and him haven't been very close lately, and the conflict there was ran deep. Why would Maitimo ever trust or lean on him ever again? But feeling that guilt burning like a scorching heat in his heart once more, and knowing all that he had done wrong, he decides to try. At least to try. It's all he can do, but it's as good as any could.

"Maitimo," He says breathlessly. "That's not true. You-you didn't cause any of this. You didn't make any of this happen. If it was anyone's fault..." His throat feels dry as he says this, and he's hardly aware that these words are really being said audibly, "It's mine. After all, I'm the one who messed everything up between our two Houses. And if I hadn't, well if I hadn't followed you, this dinner would never have needed to be held." He touches a hand to his heart. "So really, mark me, I am sorry."

 

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

Fëanor nods gratefully to Finwë. He is not obligated, after all, to watch over Amrod, but Fëanor deeply appreciates his help all the same.

So he and Nerdanel and Fëanoriel head down the halls, looking for Nelyo and trying to figure out where he may have gone. Fëanor is silent for a while as he ponders over Nerdanel's question. "I don't know why he disobeyed. Perhaps he was angry that I sent him away from Amrod; they looked to be in deep conversation. But I could see it had brought Amrod to tears, so I did not think it wise that they should continue to converse. Nelyo may have taken it personally, as he so often does."

He sighs, feeling, not for the first time, that his eldest son is too sensitive. Fëanor and Maitimo have always been at odds because of the fierce, passionate and stern ways of the former, and the gentle and sensitive ways of the latter.

~~~

Turgon falls silent, feeling that he has no hope of convincing Fingolfin of his point of view, and figures he will make everything worse if he keeps trying. And he initially doesn't know how to respond to Fingolfin's attempt to reach out to him in kindness. After all, Fingolfin didn't understand what Turgon was trying to argue in the first place, so how can he then understand why he is in distress?

"I fear that my brother's heart is shattered," he says, feeling like he is repeating himself. "I care for him, and it worries me to see him in such a broken state. And further, I worry that Aredhel and Argon and I will also be held to some impossible standard, now that I see that you demand perfection of your children."

~~~

A brief moment of passion and anger awakens within Maitimo-- not against Fingon or his family, but against himself and his own family. He glances up, his eyes blazing.

"Nay, Findekano, the fault does not lie with you," Maitimo says bitterly. "I have discovered that Amrod never knew I loved him until today, apparently. I can only guess my brothers felt the same, and thus I brought their wrath upon myself. And so it is my fault that they attacked me, my fault for bringing the trouble and my family to your House. It was my brothers who framed you for treachery, my parents who persecuted you and falsely accused you. They would have never done this if not for me and my conflict with the brothers. I can hardly blame you for a single thing you did. I'm only sorry that the evils of my family were spread like a poison to your family."

The moment of passion fades, and he falls limp again.

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

I simply listen to Fëanáro's words, my heart focused more upon finding Maitimo, my thoughts reeling, my heart fluttering in fear and anticipation, and thus I remain silent, preferring to not respond.

Only to follow where they go, where they shall take me.​

 

[Elbereth Vala Varda]

Nerdanel shrugs. "Mm... I'm sure you made the right choice, love. You always do." But in her heart she wonders if perhaps a more sensitive approach would have been preferred, seeing that Maitimo was gentle and tender of heart and always had been. But she felt it wasn't worth the argument. Partly because she knew where Feanor stood in his thoughts of Maitimo's disposition, and partly because she had no desire for a fight, any fight, with anyone, particularly not family, and not her husband.

"To whither do you think he may have gone?" She mutters, trying to keep a sense of tranquility and peace as the overarching theme for their conversation. But she suddenly feels the urge to defend her son's peacefulness somewhat, at least, and to satisfy that desire, she does. "Maitimo has strength of a different kind, you know. He may not be as fierce with a blade, but his heart is strong and his empathy great for any who might receive it."

~~~

Fingolfin holds out his hands. "My son, it is not an impossible standard. Why should you not be thankful and desire this as I do? Do you not wish for your brother to be peaceful and to be noble? Do you not desire that he would be slow to anger, and gentle within all his conduct? Do you not wish that he would be swift to forgive and receive forgiveness? I want only the best for you, for all of you. How do you not see this? What standard I hold your brother to, and even what I expect of each of you, it is not to hinder your hearts but to kindle them and to make them stronger and more pure. Do you not see it?"

He looks down, feeling that if all of is his children believe this is an impossible standard, he has gone so far wrong in educating them. Perfection should not be impossible, and it should always be strived for. Why should he settle for an imperfect son and heir? He decides in his heart to be better about discipline, for it seems he has been too gentle with Fingon and with all of his children, if they do not believe that what he is asking is possible.

~~~

Fingon falls silent, listening and mulling over Maitimo's words attentively. So it seems much has happened, perhaps even gone wrong, and now Maitimo believes that he is at fault when he is not. Findekano can't blame him much for that. For indeed, he also counts this all as his for the blaming, and the only difference between himself and Maitimo is that he is right about it and Maitimo is wrong. At first, he wants to respond that way again. To tell Maitimo that he is wrong, and that Fingon is in fact the one to blame. But, he knows it won't do anything. It will only embark on another tireless cycle, a circular argument that shall never reach an end. So, he decides to take a new approach.

"I get it..." He says softly. "I understand your pain completely. Today I was told by my father that I am a disgrace upon his House and all our kin, my own brother named me selfish and corrupt, and told me that he once had admired me, and no longer did. You don't know the pain that it caused me... No one does. That's not to sound like I desire your pity. I need it not nor do I merit it. And even in my utter desolation and weeping, my father, my all-peaceful, loving, father dealt a blow across my face and ceased calling me 'son'." He stared down, the heaviness of this whole day falling on him like a great wall that he could do nothing but crouch down beside and pray that he was not lost in the rubble. "You and I, we've ruined so much. We are the guilty. We're the ones to blame for all of this. We're the hearts that went wrong and we never even meant it." He sighs. "But it is nonsense to think that we can run away and hide and shut out the world around us. Shelter? We should not deserve it and fading we should not merit. It is cowardice to expect that all of our faults and blames with be washed away if we only close our eyes and run." He sighs again, this time a heavier, deeper sigh. "The point is, we're not enough. I don't know of you, but I know that I never will be. But we don't deserve to take such an easy road away. Nay, ours is a darker fate. We must finish what we've started, no matter how much bad we have caused, or we are only further and more broken fractals, shells of who we once were. And there is no honor, no good, no valour in that."

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

"And that is why we must go to him," I answer in soft tones. "We must go to him, and see for ourselves what has happened, of why he has taken so long and yet still has not returned."​

 

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

"I'm not sure... he could be anywhere within these halls," Fëanor says with a thoughtful frown. "Last time he fled, he ran out to the woods, so perhaps he has gone there again. Fëanoriel, you are close with him and seem to understand his heart well. Do you have any ideas where he may have gone?"

To Nerdanel, he responds, "I do not deny the strengths he has, but he needs to learn to find a better balance between his natural ways and the ways of strength, and not take everything so personally. I do not wish him to grow so delicate in sensitivity that he crumbles when I give him an order."

He fears that this may be yet another one of the negative effects of the horrible events caused by the brothers. Nelyo used to take orders without question, even ones he did not like, but now it seems that he is so easily pushed over to grief and anguish by the littlest thing. Fëanor had hoped these trials would have made Nelyo stronger, but at least from his point of view, that doesn't seem to be happening.

~~~

"Of course we should strive towards all those things, Father. I do not disagree with you on that," Turgon says, "But to be perfect means we would never fail to be fully selfless, slow to anger, peaceful and forgiving. And so what happens if we do fail? That means that perfection is already impossible, since we have already failed. What I fear is that Findekano may believe that he cannot make things right with you and with all of us, and now I am beginning to fear that if Aredhel and I ever made a mistake that we would fall irredeemably from your grace also."

But he is getting the increasing feeling that his arguing is pointless, and both he and Aredhel fear that their father is forever changed from the man he used to be.

~~~

Maitimo's heart sinks. So, not even Findekano believes he is innocent, then. Findekano, his dearest friend, who had always encouraged him and seen the best in him. If even he does not believe Maitimo is innocent, then his worst fears are true, without a doubt.

He longs for someone whose opinion he trusts to tell him that this was all a great misunderstanding, or perhaps he will wake up from a nightmare, returning to a house full of lighthearted chatter from his brothers, with no violence or treachery or hatred. But it seems all this is far too real, and he can't escape from it. Nolofinwë declared his guilt in a moment of great tension and stress, which must have meant his sentiment was raw and authentic. Amrod seemed to be similarly sincere in his shock in the knowledge that Maitimo loved him.

And if he is indeed that deeply guilty, Findekano's words seem pointless to him. What can possibly be done to repair all this? Maitimo has tried to talk and reason with Amrod and the Nolofinwians, expressing his guilt and doing his best to do right by them, but little good does that seem to have done.

"Why did none of you tell me before now that I've done such grievous wrongs?" he says bitterly. "Why did you and your father not send me away as soon as the passion and hatred of Fëanaro was evident? Why did my parents or brothers never warn me of the favoritism I must have been showing to Ancalirë? Perhaps all this would have been prevented... I would have listened, or at least I like to think I would have."

With a sigh, he takes back his words somewhat. "Nay, it is not fair of me to blame my own sins on all of you. I should have figured out for myself that I was steeped in wrongdoing. And now you have paid the price for it..." He glances up sorrowfully at Findekano's bruised face. "All of you have. I wish I could take it all back, but alas, I fear nothing can be done about it now. I've tried to reach out and to reconcile, with Amrod and with you and your family, but it hasn't stopped the conflict."

 

[Áramandë Amaniel]

I ponder for a few moments, gazing downwards before I look up at Fëanáro again.

"He seems to seek out nature as the soothing balm to his fëa when troubled. Look ahead, there is a garden ahead of us, where the leaves sway and the fountains flow; mayhap we should seek him out there, for there he may be."​

 

[Elbereth Vala Varda]

Nerdanel nods, pondering these things in her heart.

If Maitimo had fled to the woods again, then surely whatever Feanor must have said or did was truly very painful to him. He didn't usually react like this. So sensitive and being completely crushed at the smallest word. She knows there is something more to how he is acting. There must be.

She turns to Feanor, smiling openly. "Perhaps so, love, and yet it is wrong to scold him for having a gentle heart. I understand that he is not like you and that places you perhaps at ends with him, but as for his heart and the purity of it, I think he is a very admirable young son. He shall grow into a fine man one day."

~~~

Fingolfin narrows. "If you should fail, I shall see to it that you fail not once more. As you have said, your brother failed. He shall then, face both my judgement and my discipline, and he shall earn for himself a way back into my grace. Such is only how a father must act. You must trust me, son. It is what your brother needs. More than anything, it is what he needs." He sighs. "For surely you should agree with me, nay, that your brother has done terrible deeds this night and does not deserve to be welcomed without first being stayed. It is out of love that I do this, understand. It is out of love for you, for each of you."

He feels that everything he has said is both justified and right. Yes, it may seem harsh to react this way, but it is the best thing that can be done. He could not have made a better choice. This is what his sons and his daughter need, and he will not neglect them for the sake of maintaining his own comfort amongst them.

~~~

"I feel your pain..." Findekano says with a sigh, suddenly feeling that all of this guilt Maitimo is speaking of is the same thing that he had been experiencing and just never put into words. It was, of course, no surprise that Maitimo could better communicate feelings and emotion. "But we cannot simply go on wishing, brother..." He whispers, a slight prickling sensation at naming Maitimo brother after everything, but he doesn't regret saying it. "If I could, I would run. I would leave this kingdom and my father, because I know that I will not ever live up to father's wants for me. I know that I will never be able to repair the irreversible damage I've done this night. But I can't leave, and neither can you. We're stuck here. Whether we like it or not, we're stuck being the bad-guys."

The words come out a little blunt, he thinks. But he leaves it be.

 

[Maedhros_Nelyafinwë]

Fëanor nods in agreement with Fëanoriel. "We may as well look in this garden while we're here, and if he is not here, perhaps the woods should be the next place we check."

As they wander around the garden a little, Fëanor frowns at Nerdanel and retorts, "It is not for his gentle heart that I scold him, but for the way he questioned my order and seemed to take it as a personal insult."

Then, he hears some voices off in the distance, and spots Maitimo by the fountain... and he is not alone. Findekano, of all people, is with him.

His already-displeased gaze grows even darker and he walks quickly towards them, certain that they are united in hatred against him.

~~~

"Of course I agree that he did wrong and should be disciplined," Turgon says, but his voice is losing its edge. He's not sure how he can fairly argue against any of these points now; it does seem fair enough that there is a standard, and if is not met, there will be punishment, and a chance to earn one's way back and be restored. That's all Turgon was trying to argue for in the first place, so perhaps this was merely an issue of semantics. But why, then, does he still have a bad feeling about all this?

Aredhel manages to put his thoughts into words by saying, "What you are saying seems reasonable, Father, but does Findekano know that he has the opportunity to earn your grace back? Right now I think all he understands is your displeasure, and does not know how to right his wrongs. Anyone would feel dismayed and hopeless with such a situation."

~~~

Those words fill Maitimo with a deep dread. All this time, he had thought his brothers were the evil ones, and even his father at times, but never once considered that he could have been evil too. It's not that he thinks his brothers are blameless in what they did, but he thinks now that he cannot lord himself as morally superior to them when he inadvertently caused them to do it.

"Then what can we do? What valid reason is there not for us to leave-- in one way or another-- if we have done so much damage and it cannot be fixed?"

He adds, "I still do not believe what you said tonight makes you as guilty as I am. At least you acted out of love for your own family; I have been unwittingly selfish and blind to the needs of my own family."

"Nelyafinwë!"

Maitimo nearly jumps, his heart racing, at the sound of his father's voice called out so sternly, and turns with dread to see him, accompanied by Nerdanel and Ancalirë.

"I told you to find your mother and sister, and you disappeared. And I do not wish you to be speaking with him." Fëanor's eyes narrow as he gazes at Findekano. Though his words are harsh, he thinks they are much more restrained than what he really has the right to say.