Relatable Moments

[Alexander Scamilton]

You ever had that moment where you make a joke and nobody hears it, but the person next to you repeats it and everybody laughs? Or had someone ask you where something is when they didn't even look for it? If that's you, you've found the right thread. Gosh, this sounds like a freakin ad. But anyways, feel free to post relatable moments or moments that you have and are wondering if anybody else experiences them!!

 

[Lobelia B. S-B]

Well there, laddie, or whatever you might be..
Your profile says you're young still.
Assuming it's accurate, just you wait. You ain't seen nothin' yet...mark my words!
Just imagine being accused of stealing spoons. STEALING them..! As though they shouldn't have been mine anyway.
Relatable moments indeed..! (Sniff.)

 

[Klaatu]

I TOLD THEM. I TOLD THEM THE JOKE WAS STRUCTURALLY SOUND.

Do you understand what it is like to watch your own punchline leave your lips, drift gently across the room like a confused insect, land on someone else’s nose, and suddenly become THEIR GENIUS? This has happened to me in fourteen star systems and one Arby’s drive thru.

Once, on the glass archipelago of Thraal-9, I whispered a perfectly calibrated comedic observation about gravitational ink spots. Silence. Absolute vacuum. Then Blarnok, who smells faintly of overcooked kielbasa and sauerkraut repeated it but louder, and the crowd began levitating with laughter. LEVITATING. I checked my notes. Same joke. Same syllables. I even tested for atmospheric distractions. Nothing. Conclusion? Reality has a copy-paste function and it hates me specifically.

And do not get me started on beings who ask “Where is it?” without looking. I have witnessed a man stand before an open refrigerator, gaze directly upon the mustard, and still call for assistance looking for it. The mustard was glowing. It may have been humming. It could have (and SHOULD have) bit him. He asked anyway. I nearly phased out of corporeal form. My face palm would have caused an earthquake hade I gone full palming.

I am convinced there is a cosmic imp whose sole occupation is moving credit for jokes three inches to the left and hiding obvious objects behind the thin veil of selective perceptions. A veil so thin it could be used as sandwich wrap in a child's lunchbox.

The universe is not chaos. It is bureaucracy. And somewhere there is a clipboard that says:
“Klaatu - idea originator. Applause redirected.”

I SEE YOU, CLIPBOARD.

Anyway, yes. Relatable.

— Klaatu
Unlicensed Auditor of Parallel Realities
Acting Treasurer of the Interstellar Committee for Proper Joke Attribution
Former Emperor of a Planet That Turned Out to Be a seat cushion

 

[Lobelia B. S-B]

Gosh, this sounds like a freakin ad.

I must be honest, it sounds more like a "waaah" to me. (sniff.)
Life just isn't fair. Or so I've held so far.
But I'm working on it. (sniff.) We'll see what this book The Evolution of Fairness has to say, and if it changes my mind.

 

[Klaatu]

I must be honest, it sounds more like a "waaah" to me. (sniff.)
Life just isn't fair. Or so I've held so far.
But I'm working on it. (sniff.) We'll see what this book The Evolution of Fairness has to say, and if it changes my mind.

Lobelia, fairness is a myth invented by badgers to justify queue formation.

Life is not fair. Life is a a couple of raccoons standing on top of one another in a waistcoat who steal your sandwich while maintaining eye contact. The universe hands out cake slices based on cosmic dice rolls and occasionally gives the frosting to someone who didn’t even RSVP.

However.

Humans are the only creatures who will stare into the indifferent abyss and say, “Excuse me, that distribution seems irregular.” That’s impressive. A squirrel does not file a complaint when another squirrel gets a bigger acorn. It simply screams and escalates. We at least try to write books about it (not that anyone reads them).

Also, anything titled The Evolution of Fairness sounds like it should come with charts, footnotes, and possibly a monocle. I fully expect it to conclude that fairness evolved sometime after thumbs but before flavored sparkling water.

Life isn’t fair, but it is extremely dramatic, which is almost as good.

(sniff.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go redistribute the peanuts on my plate so they “feel seen.”

— Klaatu
Deputy Marshal of Crooked Picture Frames
Licensed Distributor of Slightly Uneven Pancakes
Grand Vizier of the Committee for Dramatic Weather Changes

 

[Alexander Scamilton]

Well there, laddie, or whatever you might be..
Your profile says you're young still.
Assuming it's accurate, just you wait. You ain't seen nothin' yet...mark my words!
Just imagine being accused of stealing spoons. STEALING them..! As though they shouldn't have been mine anyway.
Relatable moments indeed..! (Sniff.)

I'VE SEEN PLENTY! I've actually traveled so much and seen the world.

I must be honest, it sounds more like a "waaah" to me. (sniff.)
Life just isn't fair. Or so I've held so far.
But I'm working on it. (sniff.) We'll see what this book The Evolution of Fairness has to say, and if it changes my mind.

Thx boomer.

Lobelia, fairness is a myth invented by badgers to justify queue formation.

Life is not fair. Life is a a couple of raccoons standing on top of one another in a waistcoat who steal your sandwich while maintaining eye contact. The universe hands out cake slices based on cosmic dice rolls and occasionally gives the frosting to someone who didn’t even RSVP.

However.

Humans are the only creatures who will stare into the indifferent abyss and say, “Excuse me, that distribution seems irregular.” That’s impressive. A squirrel does not file a complaint when another squirrel gets a bigger acorn. It simply screams and escalates. We at least try to write books about it (not that anyone reads them).

Also, anything titled The Evolution of Fairness sounds like it should come with charts, footnotes, and possibly a monocle. I fully expect it to conclude that fairness evolved sometime after thumbs but before flavored sparkling water.

Life isn’t fair, but it is extremely dramatic, which is almost as good.

(sniff.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go redistribute the peanuts on my plate so they “feel seen.”

— Klaatu
Deputy Marshal of Crooked Picture Frames
Licensed Distributor of Slightly Uneven Pancakes
Grand Vizier of the Committee for Dramatic Weather Changes

(sniff) But those who have had siblings know that whenever youd have to share something, you'd always try to cut it into exaclty equal slices so it would be fair.

 

[Klaatu]

I'VE SEEN PLENTY! I've actually traveled so much and seen the world.

Thx boomer.

(sniff) But those who have had siblings know that whenever youd have to share something, you'd always try to cut it into exaclty equal slices so it would be fair.

Ah yes. The ancient sibling solution.

We do not cut things evenly because life is fair. We cut them evenly because we have read about King Solomon's solution and we would very much prefer not to escalate to Phase Two.

History has already shown us what happens when a dispute over division gets dramatic. “Fine,” says Solomon, “we’ll just cut it in half.” Suddenly everyone is very interested in compromise.

That is not fairness. That is incentive structure.

The equal-slice ritual is humanity’s quiet acknowledgment that we do not trust the universe, each other, or the geometry of cake. So we invent rules. You cut. I choose. No Solomonic swords required.

Fairness is not a cosmic guarantee. It is a peace treaty negotiated over brownies.

(sniff.)

And frankly, if Solomon had been dealing with siblings over pizza, the Old Testament would be much longer.

— Klaatu
Acting Bailiff of the Pastry Court
Temporary Sword Confiscator of Jerusalem
Grand Architect of Perfectly Suspicious Symmetry

 

[Lobelia B. S-B]

I'VE SEEN PLENTY! I've actually traveled so much and seen the world.

LOL. 19 and already know it all. (sniff).
Unfortunate. Most unfortunate.

 

[Klaatu]

Nineteen. I remember that year, ugh. A distant, sepia-toned era full of hot air balloons and too-sweet cheerios. Archaeologists still debate whether it occurred before or after the invention of dramatic certainty.

At nineteen I, too, had “seen the world.” By which I mean I had seen three airports, a buffet, and one very opinionated sea otter named Frank, and concluded I had decoded all of existence. My confidence could have powered a small village.

Nineteen is that magnificent age where you are both ancient and newborn. You have Opinions. Capital O. They arrive fully formed and refuse to wear seatbelts. But they're also full of the same substance that newborn's diapers sometimes are...

Awful? No. Gloriously, theatrically certain. Ancient history? Absolutely. It belongs in a museum next to “Things I Was Sure Of.”

(sniff.)

Time is undefeated. It gently collects our former certainties and files them under “Adorable.”

— Klaatu
Curator of the Museum of Formerly Absolute Truths
Honorary Time Traveler (Economy Class)
Keeper of the Confidence I No Longer Recognize

 

[Lobelia B. S-B]

Time is undefeated. It gently collects our former certainties and files them under “Adorable.”

There are just two things we should come to know at any age - even for a rickety old bat like me..! (sniff).
1. I do not know it all.
2. I will never know it all. (sniff).
The younger we are when we get hold of these two truths, the sooner we can begin to learn.
And the sooner we start learning, the more we realize #1 and #2 above are not only still true, but true to a degree we haven't yet realized.
Yup - 'adorable' certanties. Hopefully refiled under 'abandoned' sooner than later. (sniff).

 

[Alexander Scamilton]

Am I the only one who is told to drink hot stuff when im sick? It's like NO I DON'T WANNA DRINK HOT STUFF, I WANT COLD STUFF. MY THROATTT.

After you argued with soemone, like an hour later u think of the perfect comeback.

when u r in public and you move out of the way for someone but they move for you then u shuffle back and force and back and force. i find this hilarious.

someone waves and you wave back. THEN you turn around and realize THEY WON'T WAVING AT YOU THEY WERE WAVING AT SOMEONE BEHIND YOU. OMG, this is so embarrassing.

You are holding your phone and start looking for you phone with your phone.

you open the fridge. nothing in then you wanna eat. twelve seconds later you open it again still looking for something to eat.

when the waiter says 'enjoy your meal', you say 'you too'.

you trip in public and everyone just stares at u.

you spell a word. then u second guess yourself and think deeply about the word. then it stops lookin like the word.

this hapeens to me so much. you try to pull the door open. and it does not move and u kep yanking and pulling and someoen walks by you and puls it open for you. related to this, ik we all have pushed a pull door.

you look at yourself in the camera of a phone. you take a photo. and it distorts you face. OMG ITS SO BAD WITH ME.

You start talking in a meeting and halfway thorugh you realize u were muted.

 

[Deimos]

Am I the only one who is told to drink hot stuff when im sick? It's like NO I DON'T WANNA DRINK HOT STUFF, I WANT COLD STUFF. MY THROATTT.

After you argued with soemone, like an hour later u think of the perfect comeback.

when u r in public and you move out of the way for someone but they move for you then u shuffle back and force and back and force. i find this hilarious.

someone waves and you wave back. THEN you turn around and realize THEY WON'T WAVING AT YOU THEY WERE WAVING AT SOMEONE BEHIND YOU. OMG, this is so embarrassing.

You are holding your phone and start looking for you phone with your phone.

you open the fridge. nothing in then you wanna eat. twelve seconds later you open it again still looking for something to eat.

when the waiter says 'enjoy your meal', you say 'you too'.

you trip in public and everyone just stares at u.

you spell a word. then u second guess yourself and think deeply about the word. then it stops lookin like the word.

this hapeens to me so much. you try to pull the door open. and it does not move and u kep yanking and pulling and someoen walks by you and puls it open for you. related to this, ik we all have pushed a pull door.

you look at yourself in the camera of a phone. you take a photo. and it distorts you face. OMG ITS SO BAD WITH ME.

You start talking in a meeting and halfway thorugh you realize u were muted.