Which fictional character would you cook with?

[Klaatu]

Imagine this: you’re dropped onto a kitchen set with blinding lights, three malfunctioning cameras, and a co-host of your choice from all of fiction. The rule is simple — you must eat whatever they make. No take-backs, no offscreen substitutions, no “it’s just for show.”

I’d pick the Swedish Chef, naturally. Language barriers add flavor. He greets me with a confident, “Børk! Børk! Børk!” and immediately starts juggling vegetables like he’s trying to summon a salad demon. I once watched him make soup by throwing everything—including the ladle—into the pot and declaring victory when it hissed back. On Miriban IV, that’s considered sacred culinary warfare.

Halfway through filming, Gollum sidles in whispering about “precious spices” while a Victorian automaton insists on weighing every carrot to the microgram. The Swedish Chef responds by conducting a ladle orchestra and inventing a new dialect comprised entirely of percussion and mustard.

Something catches fire — possibly time itself — and the smoke alarm composes a lament in three parts. I survive the pilot episode by hiding in the fridge and eating the subtitles. Not my proudest moment, but the audience loved the crunchy texture.

–––
Klaatu
Intergalactic Sous-Chef of Temporal Entropy
(Winner of one Michelin Nebula; banned from three star systems for excessive enthusiasm with whipped cream and carrots.)

 

[Ent]

How very fascinating, @Klaatu.
Ent thinks if he could cook with any fictional character of his choice, it would be Sherlock Holmes. (GASP..! Sherlock is FICTIONAL? Perish the thought.)

Now... why Sherlock?
Well, as Ent cooked with him, stirring him in with the other savory ingredients, as he boils down to his constituent parts, Ent might finally hear him utter those words ever attributed as his, yet never by him spoken: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

 

[Starbrow]

Nate the Great. He loves pancakes and so do I.

 

[Deimos]

Imagine this: you’re dropped onto a kitchen set with blinding lights, three malfunctioning cameras, and a co-host of your choice from all of fiction. The rule is simple — you must eat whatever they make. No take-backs, no offscreen substitutions, no “it’s just for show.”

I’d pick the Swedish Chef, naturally. Language barriers add flavor. He greets me with a confident, “Børk! Børk! Børk!” and immediately starts juggling vegetables like he’s trying to summon a salad demon. I once watched him make soup by throwing everything—including the ladle—into the pot and declaring victory when it hissed back. On Miriban IV, that’s considered sacred culinary warfare.
.....

–––
Klaatu
Intergalactic Sous-Chef of Temporal Entropy
(Winner of one Michelin Nebula; banned from three star systems for excessive enthusiasm with whipped cream and carrots.)

 

[Server Room Gremlin]

Imagine this: you’re dropped onto a kitchen set with blinding lights, three malfunctioning cameras, and a co-host of your choice from all of fiction. The rule is simple — you must eat whatever they make. No take-backs, no offscreen substitutions, no “it’s just for show.”

I’d pick the Swedish Chef, naturally. Language barriers add flavor. He greets me with a confident, “Børk! Børk! Børk!” and immediately starts juggling vegetables like he’s trying to summon a salad demon. I once watched him make soup by throwing everything—including the ladle—into the pot and declaring victory when it hissed back. On Miriban IV, that’s considered sacred culinary warfare.

Halfway through filming, Gollum sidles in whispering about “precious spices” while a Victorian automaton insists on weighing every carrot to the microgram. The Swedish Chef responds by conducting a ladle orchestra and inventing a new dialect comprised entirely of percussion and mustard.

Something catches fire — possibly time itself — and the smoke alarm composes a lament in three parts. I survive the pilot episode by hiding in the fridge and eating the subtitles. Not my proudest moment, but the audience loved the crunchy texture.

–––
Klaatu
Intergalactic Sous-Chef of Temporal Entropy
(Winner of one Michelin Nebula; banned from three star systems for excessive enthusiasm with whipped cream and carrots.)

Reading this, I was immediately reminded of the "cooking show" with the robot Mettaton in the game Undertale. 😂

Now, as for who I would cook with...
I'd choose Fëanor. I'd be dreadfully intimidated, but it would be interesting on many levels to say the least. 🫡

 

[Klaatu]

How very fascinating, @Klaatu.
Ent thinks if he could cook with any fictional character of his choice, it would be Sherlock Holmes. (GASP..! Sherlock is FICTIONAL? Perish the thought.)

Now... why Sherlock?
Well, as Ent cooked with him, stirring him in with the other savory ingredients, as he boils down to his constituent parts, Ent might finally hear him utter those words ever attributed as his, yet never by him spoken: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Your reasoning is impeccable, dear Ent. The only flaw in your plan is that when the broth begins to thicken, Holmes will already have deduced its final flavor, written a twelve-page monograph on its chemical consistency, and arrested the onion for fraud.

Still, I would watch this episode. “Cooking with Holmes and Ent: A Study in Stew.”

If he ever says “Elementary,” I suspect it’ll be right after you explain how you acquired a talking turnip.

–––
Klaatu
Consulting Gourmand of the Andromeda Bureau
(Currently under investigation for overthinking a sandwich.)

 

[Ent]

Still, I would watch this episode. “Cooking with Holmes and Ent: A Study in Stew.”

Ent suspects the episode title would be: "The Cooking Of Holmes By Ent."
But it wouild be nice to get his 12-page monograph before he dissolved completely.

 

[Klaatu]

I see your concern, dear Ent, but rest assured: Holmes’ monograph was waterproof, fireproof, and plaid on barkskin vellum. It now circulates among the fungal libraries beneath Fangorn under the title “On the Deductive Properties of Thyme.”

As for the dissolution—well, that was merely phase two of the experiment. I hear the broth achieved sentience sometime around page nine and a half. It’s now editing its own second edition.

Klaatu
Visiting Professor of Culinary Forensics,
and sole survivor of the Great Bouillabaisse Uprising of Beta-9

 

[Glorfindel Goldtress]

Samwise Gamgee.

When he arrives in Valinor, you know I'm providing him with all the herbs and seasoning he could wish for to make some nice rabbitato stew. And we would trade stories and have a good cup of tea. And plenty more wonderful meals to exchange. For example, I just made cilantro-lime chicken fettuccine for dinner tonight. I'll have a blast trading Sam for any of his meals and enjoying crossover culinary expeditions. ☺️😋

 

[Deimos]

Samwise Gamgee.

When he arrives in Valinor, you know I'm providing him with all the herbs and seasoning he could wish for to make some nice rabbitato stew. And we would trade stories and have a good cup of tea. And plenty more wonderful meals to exchange. For example, I just made cilantro-lime chicken fettuccine for dinner tonight. I'll have a blast trading Sam for any of his meals and enjoying crossover culinary expeditions. ☺️😋

What about taters? You know...po-tay-toes.

 

[Beleg_Cúthalion]

Ah, you beat me to it. Samwise Gamgee is definitely who I would cook with- his taste in food is remarkable. I was so sad that nobody actually got to taste his esteemed rabbit stew. In fact all hobbit food seems so good at cooking. Also “ripe meat off the bone” made me hungry when Gimli mentioned it, so I wonder how cooking with them would be.

Someone I do not want to cook with (or be the food taster for her either) is Eowyn (movie Eowyn of course, not sure about book Eowyn).

Samwise Gamgee.

When he arrives in Valinor, you know I'm providing him with all the herbs and seasoning he could wish for to make some nice rabbitato stew. And we would trade stories and have a good cup of tea. And plenty more wonderful meals to exchange. For example, I just made cilantro-lime chicken fettuccine for dinner tonight. I'll have a blast trading Sam for any of his meals and enjoying crossover culinary expeditions. ☺️😋

 

[Ent]

so I wonder how cooking with them would be.

The dwarves? Not sure, but the Trolls seemed to be quite fond of cooking with them. Argued all night about how to do it best.