Bilbo's birthday speech

Bilbo: "Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!"

Hobbits: "Happy birthday!"

Bilbo: "Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits." [cheers abound.] "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
[There is a dead silence from the crowd. They gaze at each other blank-faced, trying to figure out if they were just insulted. Gandalf smiles.]

Bilbo: "I, uh, I h-have things to do." [fidgets with the Ring behind his back. Whispers to himself] "I've put this off for far too long."

Bilbo: [to the crowd] "I regret to announce — this is The End. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell." [whispers to Frodo] "Goodbye."
[Bilbo puts the Ring on and vanishes.]

Hobbits: "Ooh!"

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My dear People, My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville-Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!

I hope you are all enjoying yourselves as much as I am. I shall not keep you long. I have called you all together for a Purpose. Indeed, for Three Purposes!

First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and that eleventy-one years is too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Secondly, to celebrate my birthday. I should say: OUR birthday. For it is, of course, also the birthday of my heir and nephew, Frodo. He comes of age and into his inheritance today. Together we score one hundred and forty-four. Your numbers were chosen to fit this remarkable total: One Gross, if I may use the expression.

It is also, if I may be allowed to refer to ancient history, the anniversary of my arrival by barrel at Esgaroth on the Long Lake; though the fact that it was my birthday slipped my memory on that occasion. I was only fifty-one then, and birthdays did not seem so important. The banquet was very splendid, however, though I had a bad cold at the time, I remember, and could only say 'thag you very buch'. I now repeat it more correctly: Thank you very much for coming to my little party.

I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT.

I regret to announce that - though, as I said, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you - this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW.

GOOD-BYE!

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1. ^J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, "A Long-expected Party"
2. ^J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, "The Shadow of the Past"