Quenya translation check

[Idril Celebrindal]

I recently translated one of Taras Shevchenko's poems into Quenya (it's a very rough translation, I haven't studied Quenya much), and my school asked me to recite it for an event tomorrow. I was wondering if someone could just check it and point out any blatant grammar mistakes to me, so I can fix it? I translated this directly from Ukrainian, so it might not alline perfectly with the English version.
English version:
My Evening Star, rise in the sky
Above the mountain lofty,
And talk to me in my exile,
Quietly and softly.
Tell me how beyond that mountain
Crimson sunsets glow and fade,
How the rainbow dips for water
In the Dnieper far away,
How the poplars, tall and slender,
Throw their leafy branches wide,
How the willow droops in sadness,
Weeping by the river's side,
Arms spread wide upon the water —
In those green and tender arms
Little babies nightly rocking,
Babes that had not been baptised....
How the werewolf lurks till morning
By a lone, forgotten grave,
And the screech-owl wails its warning,
Grief and trouble to presage.
How the dream-flower in the valley
Opens in the summer night....
As for people... Never mind them.
Them I know, I know all right.
Know them well. My Evening Star!
You're my one and only friend!

Quenya version (my translation)
Sinyëellennya
Tul olla I oron
Quettuva imë qvildevë
Imi molië walyë.

Nyar, manen la oron
Andunë
Manen i ilweran vadunië
Napnèn.

Manen yanda alda
Lassi latanëg
Ar or nen
Alda cùnanë;

Or nén latanë
Laica lassi
Ar o lassi lingëa
Alaessenë híni.

Manen imi lanna apa coron
Nauro lorëa
Ar wilin imé taurë apa car
Umbar nyára.

Manen lorë-salquë ara nalda
ime i lomë lotëa...
Ar pa atani... la quet
Istanë mára tú.

Mara istanë, elennya!
Mellonya minë!

Ukrainian version:
Зоре моя вечірняя,

Зійди над горою,

Поговорим тихесенько

В неволі з тобою.



Розкажи, як за горою

Сонечко сідає.

Як у Дніпра веселочка

Воду позичає.



Як широка сокорина

Віти розпустила...

А над самою водою

Верба похилилась;



Аж по воді розіслала

Зеленії віти,

А на вітах гойдаються

Нехрищені діти.



Як у полі на могилі

Вовкулак ночує,

А сич в лісі та на стрісі

Недолю віщує.



Як сон-трава при долині

Вночі розцвітає...

А про людей... Та нехай їм.

Я їх, добрих, знаю.



Добре знаю. Зоре моя!

Мій друже єдиний!

 

[Elhath Reborn]

Your translation still requires a lot of work (moreso if one wishes to maintain the syllable count of the original) — especially since we have no attested ways to translate into Quenya "to baptize", "to forget/forgotten" or "to mind, worry about sth".

Some additional observations:

- I suggest *sinyéleninya for "my evening star", on the basis of Ñoldóran (< ñoldo+aran) "King of the Noldor" (PM:343) and atarinya "my father" (LR:61; PE23:81)

- imperatives (commands) such as "rise(!)" or "know(!)" in Quenya are formed with á/a +ë/a-infinitive; negative commands (Engl. "don't..") are formed with ála/áva +ë/a-infinitive — hence "rise(!)" is á orya and "tell me" is á nyarë nin or ánin nyarë

- **vadunië (with intervocalic /d/), **napnén (with /-pn-/) and **lataneg (with word-final /g/) are phonetically impossible Quenya forms

- the shortest translation for "till morning" is tenn' arin

- the adverb "well" is mai or márië in Quenya

- Quenya words for "friend" include málo, nildo, nilmo and sermo. Mellon is a Sindarin word.

- the Quenya adjective for "one and only" is erya

 

[Idril Celebrindal]

Your translation still requires a lot of work (moreso if one wishes to maintain the syllable count of the original) — especially since we have no attested ways to translate into Quenya "to baptize", "to forget/forgotten" or "to mind, worry about sth".

Some additional observations:

- I suggest *sinyéleninya for "my evening star", on the basis of Ñoldóran (< ñoldo+aran) "King of the Noldor" (PM:343) and atarinya "my father" (LR:61; PE23:81)

- imperatives (commands) such as "rise(!)" or "know(!)" in Quenya are formed with á/a +ë/a-infinitive; negative commands (Engl. "don't..") are formed with ála/áva +ë/a-infinitive — hence "rise(!)" is á orya and "tell me" is á nyarë nin or ánin nyarë

- **vadunië (with intervocalic /d/), **napnén (with /-pn-/) and **lataneg (with word-final /g/) are phonetically impossible Quenya forms

- the shortest translation for "till morning" is tenn' arin

- the adverb "well" is mai or márië in Quenya

- Quenya words for "friend" include málo, nildo, nilmo and sermo. Mellon is a Sindarin word.

- the Quenya adjective for "one and only" is erya

Thank you so much! Honestly, this is really helpful to me. I'll go over the poem this summer and try to fix as much as I can.

 

[Elhath Reborn]

One possibility to translate "forgotten" could be adj. *(a)larenin, *úrenin [vs. -renna] "unrecalled, unremembered".

For "to baptize", the first option that comes to mind would be sumba- "to submerge"; compare Aramaic ˁammeð/ˀaˁmeð.

 

[Idril Celebrindal]

One possibility to translate "forgotten" could be adj. *(a)larenin, *úrenin "unrecalled, unremembered".

For "to baptize", the first option that comes to mind would be sumba- "to submerge".

Thanks
I used "unnamed" for "unbaptized", because in Ukrainian culture you can't give your child a name until you baptize them. Maybe I'll try combining it with sumba, so as to get "submerged-named" or something. Once again, thanks.

 

[Elhath Reborn]

To be noted: The inflectional stem (for forming all the cases except the nominative/accusative singular) of the úharin-type adjective such as *úrenin might be ..ind-, as with 1920's Qenya melin(d-) ("beloved") and verin(d-) ("married") — at the very least per the phonetic taste of some (Neo-)Quenya users.

For "to baptize", there is also a Neo-Quenya verb *tumya- (pp. -ina "baptized") created/derived by Helge Fauskanger.

 

[Elhath Reborn]

In the paradigm used in Helge's recent grammar video, tumyaina would actually mean "being-baptized", while the passive participle "baptized" (Spanish bautizado) would be tumyana or tumina. Albeit tumyaina might still have been a valid regular-conjugation passive participle during the phase when Tolkien wrote the name Arda Hastaina "Marred Arda" (Morgoth's Ring p. 254).